43 Ways You’re Not Really Helping

“It’s a lovely sentiment, but it puts the onus on her to ask for help,” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and the author of The Friendship Fix. You feel good—you offered!—and she feels too overwhelmed to remember that you did. If you have a friend dealing with a death in the family, a bedbug infestation, or even something joyful but hard—triplets!—take action. “Be specific, so they can simply say yes or no,” says Bonior.

For example:
• Drop off dinner.
• Pick up her kids from school or let older ones come for a sleepover.
• Tell her you would like to send your cleaning service over—and is there an afternoon she’ll be out that’s convenient?
• If family needs to come in from out of town and not all of them can afford hotels, organize friends who can offer a guest room. People need to fly on a moment’s notice? Maybe your circle of friends have miles they can pool and offer.

How do you know? Instead say that you wish you knew what to say—and be there to listen.

People get back together! Also, “Sayings like these imply that the person shouldn’t be upset, which is just annoying,” says psychologist Guy Winch, the author of Emotional First Aid. Instead try, “I know it’s upsetting. It must be hard to start over again.” (Other phrases to avoid: “I never liked him” and “He was the worst!”)

Unless it’s a bum knee (in which case goji berries still probably won’t work), leave all manner of treatment discussions regarding her or her family to her doctor. Just say, “It stinks. I’m here for you.” Jillian Lauren, the author of Everything You Ever Wanted and the mother of a special-needs son, adds: “Don’t tell the parent whose kid is having a giant tantrum in the middle of the grocery store that she should see a homeopath. You never know what someone else’s situation is.”

Infertility issues are touchy. “I dealt with infertility for years before my son was born, and I’m dealing with it again in our hopes to have a second. It’s a minefield to talk about, but that phrase is the worst,” says Natalie Holbrook, a blogger and the author of Hey Natalie Jean. “It’s not comforting! It’s like telling hungry, emotional toddlers that they’ll get a cookie—at some point, if they can figure out how to operate the oven. Chances are ‘That is not fair’ is all she wants to hear.”

It’s easy to listen to a friend vent and say, “I know how you feel!” But you may not. “If someone is upset about an off-the-charts colicky baby and you say, ‘I know how you feel,’ then share about your only slightly fussy baby, you sound like a nincompoop,” says Bonior. “Don’t make it about you. Say, ‘I can imagine how you feel.’ ”

“For your age” = “You don’t just look great, full stop.”

(Because you needed to.) “It makes people feel like they were unattractive or overweight before. Tell them they look so happy and healthy—two things every person wants to be,” say Heidi and Chris Powell, the transformation pros for ABC’s Extreme Weight Loss.

As opposed to normally, when you look like a zombie.

“Paying $15 in shipping is nothing compared with an $80 top you don’t need or love,” says Laurie Trott, the fashion director of goop.com. Check with a sister or a friend to see if she is eyeing something from the same site. Maybe you can combine your orders instead of buying unnecessary extras.

“As a person who has been a lifelong nail biter, I can assure you, a manicure won’t make you stop. It comes down to a mental commitment,” says Gretta Monahan, the owner of the Grettacole salons, in Boston, and the host of TLC’s Brides Gone Styled.

Guess what? You probably won’t wear it on vacation, either. “It’s taking up valuable suitcase real estate, plus time spent pondering how to make it work,” says Monahan. Pack the cotton maxi you live in all summer.

Your aching feet need arch support and structured soles with shock absorption (like sneakers) to recover fully, says podiatrist James Christina, the director of scientific affairs for the American Podiatric Medical Association.

So, you’re a size 4—in this one store’s chinos. Don’t let vanity—or the lift that you get from seeing 8 instead of 10—limit your options. It’s the same body, regardless of the dressing room. (And, honestly, no one is looking at your tags.) You could be missing out on new, more flattering styles somewhere else.

“Doing this often makes you look bigger than you are. Put on something fitted and tailored. It makes you stand up straighter, which perpetuates a better mood,” says Trott.

Crowding makes meat steam, not sear, and the extra bodies, so to speak, will take as long to cook as two batches.

Big chunks take longer to soften while cooking. Spend a few more minutes and dice.

Buy the carbs—piecrusts, rolls, even the cookies for the ice cream sandwiches. Those are labor-intensive items where store-bought works just as well. (And tastes fine, too.)

When you eat a lower-fat or nonfat food (think yogurt or ice cream), often the sugar content is the same, even though the calories are slightly less. “So there is proportionally more sugar and less fat. And the main component of food that distorts your appetite is sugar,” says nutritionist Kelly Dorfman, the author of Cure Your Child With Food. “It triggers your internal reward system, and that makes you want to eat more.” A low-fat meal with substantial sugar will probably make you hungrier, says Dorfman: “At least fat has satiation value.”

It isn’t always the savior of weeknight dinners. “There’s a limit. Frozen things can go bad within four months,” says Catherine McCord, the author of Weelicious. They also take a while to thaw. Monday’s meal isn’t done if the lasagna is still a block of ice at 6 p.m.

When friends ask to help, are you the host who says, “No, no, no, I’ve got it”? People like to do something. (hey, maybe the living-room chitchat is going stale.) And even if you really prefer to prep solo, a friend can save you 10 minutes by setting out napkins or filling water glasses.

“If you don’t take a break during the day, you’ll take a fake one, like falling into a Twitter hole at 3 p.m.,” says Laura Vanderkam, the author of I Know How She Does It.

Because you stay up late during the week answering e-mails that could probably wait (time stamp: 12 a.m., thankyouverymuch). “Sleeping in more than two hours beyond your usual time can lead to increased risk of metabolic disorders, like diabetes and weight gain. Regularity is key. Most adults need an average of seven to eight hours of sleep per night,” says Phyllis Zee, M.D., a professor of neurology and the director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Northwestern University, in Chicago.

“Each time we go from one thing to the next, our brain has to go back three or four steps to reorganize before it can move forward. This is inefficient and stressful. We are much more effective when we focus on one thing at a time,” says Race.

“We think the act of writing it down allows us to let it go, but your unconscious mind worries about unfinished tasks,” says Carter. Don’t spend precious time writing a long list only to fret over it. “Telling your brain when you are going to do something creates a sense of calm,” she says. Put chunks of time for specific work tasks or personal things, like meal planning, onto a calendar.

“What on the surface seems overly polite is actually quite controlling, like saying, ‘You can’t have any resentful or negative feelings in regard to this interaction!’ ” says Darcy Lockman, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York City. “No one wants to be told how to feel, so the preemptive apology can be off-putting. If a person is upset, wait for her to tell you, then apologize.”

Are you discussing what everyone is bringing to a potluck? Fine. “But if your boss asks for people’s availability for a meeting, e-mail only her,” says Carson Tate, a productivity consultant and the author of Work Simply. “Reply all, in that situation, is irritating. Also, you’re not showing discernment about who needs what information.”

“People think that decision making will be easier in a less-frequented space,” says Julie Morgenstern, the author of Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life. But tossing old term papers is never easy (or fast—four hours later you’re still reading). Worse, you spend a lot of energy on a space you rarely spend time in. Reap daily benefits by clearing well-used rooms first.

It’s OK to feel guilty about something and trying to correct it, but then let go, says Christopher Germer, Ph.D., the author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: “When guilt persists, it’s usually mixed with shame—not what you did, but who you are. Self-criticism is not helpful.”

You just picked up $400 worth of storage bins. Now what? “If you start with the product, you spend money on things that don’t quite fit your needs. Narrow down your belongings so you know what you need before you shop,” says Phillip.

“More items than you think can—and should—be washed,” says Gwen Whiting, a cofounder of The Laundress line of detergent and cleaning products. “dry-cleaning wool and cashmere can actually dry out the yarns and crush the pile of the knits. Hand wash and lay flat. Same goes for silk. Hand wash and air-dry.” Exceptions: viscose (clean as directed) and rayon, which can be iffy.