1. Throw your phone in the toilet. Put the toilet in the trash. Leave the house. Burn the house down.
2. Buy the new Digital D-Tox app off iTunes or Google Play. Oh, wait. Maybe that’s a terrible idea.
3. Stop sexting and start actually having sex. It may seem weird at first, but it should all come back to you.
4. Feed your hands to a wild animal.
5. Tell a close friend to spray mace in your face every time you check your phone. Eventually, you will associate the pain with technology. Or with your friend. So let’s give this one a 50-50 chance of success.
6. Become Amish.
7. Build a time machine. Go back to the Ice Age. Become part of a Neanderthal family. Settle down. Destroy time machine.
8. Buy 1,000 Taco Bell Burrito Supremes. Never stop eating them.
9. Punch a cop in the face. Go to jail. Good luck getting on the Internet now, idiot!
10. Glue your iPad to your butt. Or, better yet, to a stranger’s butt.
11. Make a rule that before you do anything technological, you have to explain how Twitter and Foursquare work to your parents. Yeah. That should do it.
12. Try to remember that before there was an Internet filled with adorable kitten pictures and videos, there was an actual world filled with adorable kittens.
13. Go to sleep. Don’t wake up until after the Rapture.
14. Start a zombie apocalypse.
15. Destroy all technology. Because if Mama can’t check her e-mail, ain’t nobody can check their e-mail.