A recipe for every parent who has ever questioned whether they're feeding their child the right foods. (In other words, all of us.)

By Joe Keohane
JGI/Jamie Grill/Getty Images

All those store-bought baby foods contain additives that will destroy your baby’s chances of getting into Stanford, right?! That’s why everyone is making their own baby food. Everyone! Just follow these many simple steps.

1. Decide to make your own baby food.
Easy, right?

2. Pick a recipe.
There are 180,000 books and 12 million blogs for baby-food recipes. Have fun reading all of them with your partner. While you do, feed your baby store-bought food.

3. Feel bad about feeding your baby the store-bought stuff.
Wasn’t there a story one time about trace levels of arsenic in jarred food? You can’t remember, but you think you saw a headline about it on Facebook. Hmm.

4. Vet your recipes.
You can’t be too careful, so pick your first few recipes and Google the ingredients to see if they might be harmful to infants. They are! Every one is potentially lethal, at least according to some message boards. Vet what FunMomVT1981 claims about rice and what BKVeganDad says about roasted potatoes. Pour another glass of wine and forget about being even remotely alert for that big meeting tomorrow.

5. Continue step 4 for 11 more days.

6. Lie helplessly as baby-food recipes enter your dreams.
While completing step 5, have recurring dreams about baby food. In one, discover a tweet citing incontrovertible evidence that feeding your baby store-bought food will result in his becoming one of those drivers who speed up to block you from changing lanes when you put your blinker on, just for spite.

7. Sleep in!
Kidding.

8. Give up on vetting the recipes and pick one at random.
Steamed yams? Sure. Why not?

9. Fight about yams with your partner.
You don’t know how the argument started or why you’re even having it, but damned if you’ll lose!

10. Go to the store for the yams.
Hurry up—the store closes at 11 p.m.

11. Cook!
You fell asleep as soon as you got in the door last night, so drag yourself home from another punishing day at work and cook the food. Steam the yams until soft and set aside to cool while your partner naps on the floor.

12. That’s not a blender; that’s the coffee maker.
The blender is next to the sink.

13. Time for num-nums!
Serve your nutritious, lovingly prepared food. When baby rejects it, sob openly and question every decision you’ve ever made in your whole life. Open a jar of store-bought food. Feed baby. Pour glass of wine. Order more food. Cases of it. Pour more wine. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.