You’ll laugh until you cry… or just cry, if it’s your child.

By Elizabeth Schatz Passarella
Stephanie Rausser

“Is it time for me to get in my cage?”
Thomas, age 2 (shouted in public, referring to his crib)

“Mister, you should say, ‘Excuse me—I tooted.’ ”
Addison, age 3 (said to a stranger who passed gas)

“Mom, look! It’s Shrek!”
Hugo, age 4 (shouted across a crowded swimming pool while pointing at a bald man)

“My parents won’t have any more babies. My dad had that sperm thing done.”
Adam, age 10

“Why do these ladies have such long boobs?”
Louise, age 2 (said while walking through the YMCA dressing room)

“I have to turn five so that I can grow up and become a mommy and yell at people.”
Molly, age 4

“Would you like some more Pinot Grigio?”
Elle, age 5 (said to Grandma during a play tea party, much to the horror of Elle’s mother)

“I don’t like public pools, only the heated saline one in my East Hampton backyard.”
Harry, age 5

“Look—a pirate!”
Drew, age 3 (said in front of an elderly man with an eye patch)