4 Scenarios Every Parent With a Toddler Can Relate to

Do these hypothetical conversations feel all too real?

Attempt #1

toddler-spill-beads
Photo by Stephanie Smith Photography/Getty Images

Person Watching a Child: It’s so great to get to finally catch up! So talk to me about the stuff with Alex. Are you two still together?

Friend with Relationship Issues: [Takes deep breath] It’s been rough. The other day, he—

PWC: PUT THOSE BACK ON THE SHELF RIGHT NOW. NOW. ARE YOU LISTENING? IF YOU’RE LISTENING TO ME, LOOK AT MY EYES. AT MY EYES. BACK ON THE SHELF. LOOK AT ME. MY EYES. BACK ON THE SHELF. [To FRI] I’m so sorry. Bennett has this thing where he keeps biting the erasers off pencils. So—Alex?

FRI: So, um, Alex and I are—we feel like we’re moving in different directions. And two nights ago, he didn’t come home until 2 a.m., and he’s obviously sort of drunk and immediately starts sobbing the words—

PWC: DO NOT PUT KINETIC SAND IN YOUR MOUTH!

Attempt #2

Person with Work Drama: So I’ve been with the company for six years, and I know my boss better than she knows herself. And yesterday her admin, who’s been with us for 2½ months, goes—

Person Watching a Child: WHY WOULD YOU LICK THAT, MADISON? THAT’S NOT EVEN OUR UMBRELLA!! [To PWD] I’m so sorry. So—her admin?

PWD: So her admin goes, “I think Cheryl would appreciate it if you focused a little more on your attention to detail.” I was so angry I basically left fingernail imprints on my desk from gripping it.

PWC: [Silence]

PWD: Hello?

PWC: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO I WANT TO SEE YOUR FINGERS TOUCH THAT WOMAN’S CROISSANT WHEN TWO SECONDS AGO I SAW THAT HAND DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR PANTS. [To PWD] I’m so sorry; I’m totally listening. Something with fingernails?

Attempt #3

Doctor: Luckily, there’s a cure. But you must, must, must take 10 milligrams of this twice a day every day without missing a dose, because—

Person Watching a Child: IF I SEE YOU URINATE ON ANY OF THOSE MAGNETS, YOU ARE LOSING DESSERT PRIVILEGES.

Doctor: I’m sorry—this is so important. Can you just repeat back to me how often I need you to take this medication?

PWC: Medication? [Looks around] Wait, where am I? What am I doing in the doctor’s offi— WHOA, THAT’S IT, MISTER. DESSERT PRIVILEGES REVOKED.



Attempt #4

Secret Agent: You’re our last hope, but I can only say this once. The coordinates for the rebel base are—

Person Watching a Child: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY POURING SOMEONE’S ICED COFFEE DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR PANTS ON THE ONE DAY I DIDN’T BRING YOU A CHANGE OF CLOTHES? [To man at other table] I will absolutely buy you another iced coffee. I am so sorry.

SA: [Quietly leaves]

Child: Who was that man?

PWC: That’s such a great question, sweetie. I feel like I should know, but honestly, at this point I don’t even remember.