The Sister I Never Wanted My Children to Have
After her husband left her for his pregnant girlfriend, this mom learned a surprising lesson about unconditional love from her teenage daughter.
I don’t remember why my daughter was so furious at me when I picked her up from spending her school break with her father, but before we were even out of the Starbuck’s parking lot where we rendezvoused, she blurted out that she had spent much of the week with her half-sister—and it was the best time she’d ever had. I fought tears as I drove, feeling that my own daughter had betrayed me in the worst possible way.
That’s because her half-sister is the result of an affair between my (now) ex-husband and a woman nearly 20 years my junior. By the time he told me what was going on, she was far into her pregnancy, and he abandoned our marriage of 15 years to begin life with his new family.
Having my children’s lives ripped apart was traumatic enough, and I didn’t want their suffering compounded by being forced to interact with the woman who broke up their home, and her daughter. So, I insisted on a clause in the divorce settlement that says my children have total control over if and when to meet their half-sister—for their emotional protection.
My ex-husband grudgingly accepted my demands, but in the five years since he walked out the door, he has steadily—and stealthily—pushed to have his children meet; a move I view as an attempt to legitimize his new family, and absolve him of his transgression.
I told my children that the decision to meet their half-sister was entirely up to them, and that they had my support either way. But I secretly prayed that they would never want to meet her or her mother. I harbored no ill will toward the little girl; in fact I have always felt sorry for her. But her very existence is excruciatingly painful. Each milestone in this young girl’s life, beginning with her birth, has ripped at my heart and tainted my memories of my own children’s milestones.
So, when I sent my teenage daughter off to see her father last spring, I cautiously assumed he would respect our agreement. And I felt confident that even if he pushed my daughter to meet his other family, she would refuse. While I understood that my daughter might be curious about her half-sibling, I never dreamed she would want to spend time with the woman who had knowingly torn our family apart. That she did, and then threw the fact in my face, felt like a deliberately hostile act towards me.
When I got home I posted what happened in an online support group. I expected the other women to be as outraged as I was; instead, they helped me understand that what my daughter did actually had nothing to do with me. It was about my daughter’s need to connect with her father and her half-sister. Perhaps it was important for my daughter to meet the little girl competing for her father’s attention, to assure herself that she is still loved and still has a place in his heart.
As I read through the comments, my perspective shifted, and I began to understand how difficult and painful it must be for my daughter to navigate a horrible situation that was thrust upon her. She wasn’t trying to hurt me; she was doing what she needed to do for her.
My son, meanwhile, is adamant that he does not want to meet the other woman or his half-sister, despite the fact that this keeps him from seeing his father—who now alternates weekends with his children—every week. My son is doing what is best for him at this time; and my daughter is doing the same.
I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t sting, because it does. During subsequent visits to her father and his other family, my daughter has discussed deeply personal things in her life with this other woman; an intimacy that I thought was preserved for me as her mother. This hurts. But from the moment my ex-husband left me, I vowed to do what’s best for my children. I have tried to do everything in my power to mitigate the damage, and to put their needs before my own.
I have been tested on this vow many times, and sometimes I have fallen short. But I said that I would support each of my children in their decision and now I must do so. I’ve learned that, just as I have unlimited capacity to love both my children, my daughter’s need to spend time with her father’s other family does not threaten or diminish her devotion to me. Love is not a zero-sum game.
* Name has been changed to protect privacy