Etiquette Questions, Answered: Tricky Conversations

Q. I have chosen not to have a Facebook account. But that hasn’t stopped my relatives and friends from posting group photos in which I appear on social-media networks. I don’t appreciate having my image made public without my consent. How can I protect my privacy online without alienating my loved ones?

C.H.

A. Your concern about the Internet is reasonable: Once images are uploaded, you really don’t know where they will end up. Could a colleague possibly spot a photo of you, say, inhaling nachos at a Super Bowl party? Well, yes. And since that bothers you, take action. If you notice photos being snapped at a gathering, try stepping out of the frame. Or say to the person wielding the smartphone or camera, “I hate to inconvenience you, but I’m very private. Could you agree not to post any photos of me online?” (Personally, I would keep the mood light by following up with a joke: “Sorry, I’m like one of those people who believe that pictures can steal your soul.”)

Some people may be surprised, even annoyed, by your request. But my guess is that your nearest and dearest will care less about posting your pic than granting you peace of mind.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. My husband and I recently finished signing our wills. We assigned my only sister a large responsibility in my health-care advance directive, but we did not appoint her and her husband as guardians for our child. (I expect this to cause a problem; she told our mother that she was surprised that we haven’t asked her about it. We don’t think that she and her husband are good role models.)

Our lawyer suggested that we give copies of our wills and advance directives to those who are named in them. But I don’t want to open a can of worms by showing these documents to my sister. What should I do?

H.G.

A. It’s bad enough planning for your own death without worrying about the feathers you’re ruffling in the process. But you’re not doing yourself any favors by avoiding this conversation. Give your sister a copy of the directive and emphasize the crucial role you’ve given her. Say, “I wanted you to know that I named you in my health-care proxy. That’s because I trust you to make these vital decisions on my behalf.”

Once she has promised not to pull the plug prematurely (kidding!), mention the custody issue as well. Instead of explaining why you didn’t pick your sister, illuminate for her a few plausible reasons why you chose someone else: geographic concerns, continuity for your child, and so on. “I’m sorry if that hurts you,” you can say, if she is, in fact, hurt. But she may not be. She could be relieved, especially if she doesn’t have kids of her own. You obviously believe, whatever your sister’s flaws, that she can make smart decisions in a medical crisis, so trust her to be a loving and empathetic listener as well.

—Catherine Newman

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Want to Ask Your Own Etiquette Question?

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Q. My close friend, a married mother of two, was laid off late last year and is on unemployment. And yet this friend has told me that she has gone shopping for new clothes or items for her home with the unemployment funds. She is looking for a job but not in earnest, and it bothers me that she would abuse a system that we all pay into. I haven’t said anything to her, but her dishonesty is off-putting. What should I do?

K.R.

A. First, give your friend the benefit of the doubt. How do you know that she’s acting dishonestly? Remember—you don’t know all the reasons for her actions. (Is she buying new clothes for job interviews? Is she neatening up her house to boost morale?) She might be normalizing a stressful situation by talking about everyday activities, like shopping, or she might be trying to mask her anxiety with a blithe attitude about her job search.

Your job as a friend is to show kindness to her in this dark moment. Ask her if there is anything that you can do to help. Beyond that, drop the subject. Your friend is receiving money she is legally entitled to.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. I live in an old neighborhood. Most of the homes are modest but well cared for. The house right next to mine used to be one of the best kept in the neighborhood. But it changed hands several years ago, and now it has peeling paint, weeds, and trash around it. How do I approach my neighbors and ask them to take care of their house?

K. U.

A. First ask yourself: Is this a health-and-safety issue? If the garbage is attracting vermin or the neglect is attracting vagrants, you need to deal with the issue right away. Find out if your town’s regulations address the matter. Many municipalities have ordinances that govern property maintenance. Then take action: Snap a photo of the offending house, bring it to the proper office at City Hall, and ask the authorities to enforce their own laws.

If, however, your beef with this home is largely aesthetic, step back for a moment. It sounds as if you don’t know much about your neighbors’ situation and the origin of the dilapidation you perceive. They might be struggling with finances or illness, or they may simply be somewhat laissez-faire homeowners.

Before confronting your neighbors, engage them in conversation to learn more. If they’re in a money or time bind, you may want to offer your assistance with yard upkeep. Should you determine that they simply aren’t zealous about maintenance, you don’t have much recourse. Try building a fence or planting a hedge to protect your view.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. I have an awkward question. My child is interested in playing at another kid’s house, but I don’t know his parents very well. I am concerned about firearms in the home. How do I politely ask if these parents have guns—and if they do, whether they keep them locked and inaccessible?

C. H.

A. About one in three American households has a gun. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2010 gun-related injuries accounted for 6,570 deaths of children and young people (ages 1 to 24), and nearly one in five injury-related deaths of children and adolescents involves firearms. Gun accidents are a real and catastrophic danger. So despite the awkwardness of raising the issue, the stakes are high.

As I see it, you have a couple of options: One is to host all the playdates yourself, or meet up in a park or some other neutral spot until you get to know the family better (that’s what I would do). Another is to talk to the parents, which is what the American Academy of Pediatrics’ ASK (Asking Saves Kids) program recommends. This is a delicate matter, since you don’t want to imply that you’re more concerned for your child’s safety than they are for theirs. Explain your apprehension carefully: “In the wake of all the terrible violence in the news, I’m worried about guns—I’m sure you are, too. Please don’t take it personally, but can I ask you to reassure me that you don’t have unlocked guns in the house?” For all you know, they have the same worries about you, and you’ll be clearing the air for everyone.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. In 2009 my friend’s husband asked for a divorce. My friend had little money of her own and couldn’t afford a lawyer, so my husband and I offered to lend her $1,500 to help her retain an attorney. She was grateful and promised to pay us back in small increments. I told her to take her time—but in four years she hasn’t handed over a dime, even though she has remarried and is financially secure again. How can I ask her to repay the debt without upsetting her?

J. O.

A. You’re a great friend. The good news here is that your generosity helped someone in a stressful situation to find peace, for which she is doubtlessly grateful.

The bad news? She has put the past so far behind her that your favor may be lumped in with other events from a tough time that she would rather forget. Since a significant sum of money is at stake, you will need to remind her.

Luckily your friend’s present happiness can help smooth out this potentially thorny interaction: “My husband and I are so thrilled that you’ve moved on to a better relationship,” you can say to her. “And I’m sorry to bring up a difficult time in your life, but I’ve been wanting to check in about that money you borrowed.” Most people would be mortified about letting such a hefty sum go unreimbursed. Chances are, your friend will feel the same way. Regardless, you’ll get the conversation started so that she can repay you—and both of you can leave behind the last dregs of her bad marriage.

—Catherine Newman

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Q: I’ve lived in my condo for the last several years, and it’s always been quiet. Then, a few weeks ago, a family moved in across the way, and their baby never stops crying.

I wake up to him crying; I fall asleep to him crying. Sometimes he cries all day. The worst part is that his parents don’t seem to tend to him. I’m sure that they want him to learn to soothe himself, but this morning he started howling at 5 a.m. and continued for 45 minutes straight. Is there anything I can say or do to change the situation without causing offense?

D.F.

A: First of all, I assume that you don’t suspect actual neglect or abuse. (If you do, stop reading right now and call 911 or your local police department.) Rather, it sounds as though your neighbors have an infant who’s going through a challenging phase and that they’re allowing him to “cry it out.” It’s understandable that they would adopt this very common parenting philosophy. It’s equally understandable that it would wreak havoc on your quality of life.

That being said, it’s tough to complain about a baby’s decibel level to his parents without sounding like an ogre. So try this: Instead of confronting your neighbors, commiserate. “Wow, it sounds like your baby is really having a rough time,” you might say, kindly (and truthfully). Your comment will offer them compassion, as well as a reality check. (Oh, right, the walls aren’t soundproof.) And perhaps it will give them an opportunity to explain their child’s unhappiness. After all, you might feel more tolerant if you learn that the baby is, say, teething. Also, the interaction may prompt your neighbors to make a change, such as moving the crib to a more remote part of their home.

Whether or not you do anything, though, the situation will probably resolve on its own. The sound track of misery should quiet down as the baby grows out of this phase. If all else fails, get some noise canceling headphones and wait it out.

—Catherine Newman

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Want to Ask Your Own Etiquette Question?

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Q: I’m a professional woman with a hyphenated name. Unfortunately many people shorten my name to my husband’s last name and don’t understand that I want to be addressed by my full name. What can I say or do to correct this?

T.N-K.

A: The only thing that you can do is correct people early and often. “It’s actually Nelson-King,” you will need to say. If you want, lighten up the exchange with a joke about all the folks (like you) with newfangled hyphenated names.

But remember: You don’t owe anyone an apology for wanting to be called whatever you wish. The fault here lies with a culture that has remained stubbornly ill at ease about the names married women go by. Whether you keep your name, change it, or tweak it, and whether you go by Ms. or Mrs., people are bound to get their panties in a twist. Oh well. Too bad for them. Remind people to call you by your correct name, then get on with your day.

—Catherine Newman

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Q: I am a 27-year-old woman who has had a pixie cut since I was about 19. Over the years, I have gotten many rude comments from people regarding my hairstyle (mainly men making inappropriate remarks that I will not repeat but will leave to your imagination). How can I respond to people who do this? Also, what should I say to friends who urge me to grow my hair out?

B.B.

A: I couldn’t resist sharing your question with my 10-year-old daughter, who also has a pixie cut. She was appalled by your nay-saying friends and suggested that you try what she says: “I love my hair this way. It keeps me cool, and I like how it looks. Please be a good friend and support my choices.” Frankly, that advice seems unbeatable. But if you’re getting these comments from a friend who knew you with longer hair, you can always tell her, “Oh, I know, you liked it long.”

Strangers, on the other hand, have no business commenting on your appearance. Feel free to ignore them. (In my opinion, you can even be snarky with them, if you don’t mind provoking a hostile response.)

In the end, you’re not looking for advice or feedback about your hair—or to be constrained by other people’s ideas about beauty. (And—hello!—have these people ever seen Halle Berry?) People are welcome to their opinions but not always welcome to express every last one. Sometimes the old-fashioned rules still hold. In this case: If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. I get along great with my in-laws except for one thing: They have a very large, terrifying dog. In the past, the dog has lunged at me, and I was blamed for it. (I was told that I had "entered the room wrong" and "used the wrong tone of voice.") My in-laws do everything for this dog. They even skip family gatherings on a regular basis so they don't have to leave the dog alone. Personally, I do not feel safe around him. What's more, my husband and I are planning to have a baby, and I can't imagine feeling comfortable having my future child interact with this dog. What can I say to my in-laws?

Name Withheld

A. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 800,000 Americans—half of them children—seek medical attention for dog bites every year. No wonder the CDC advise dog owners to seek professional advice in the event of aggressive behavior.

As you seem to understand already, a dog may be man's best friend, but canine aggression is a real and present danger. If this dog is behaving unpredictably, the fault is not yours, and the responsibility for dealing with it lies with your in-laws.

Let your husband explain to his parents that both of you are eager to spend time with them and that you understand how much they love their dog, but that the dog's behavior is worrying. Or, if you prefer, start the conversation yourself: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid of your dog. I know he's a really important part of your life, but I need to come up with some strategies for managing my fear because it's going to affect how much time I spend with you."

When you visit their home, can your in-laws shut the dog in another room or put him in a crate? Or can you avoid their house entirely and meet them out for dinner or at your home? There should be a solution that allows you to feel safe now and in the future.

Love (for pets) is blind, and your in-laws might be hurt or offended, but all you can do is communicate your feelings directly and respectfully. The stakes are too high not to.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. Recently my new boss and I traveled to a corporate training session. On the way, as he was driving, he asked me to reference an item from his company-issued iPad. As soon as I entered his passcode, a pornographic site came up. Panicked, my boss took his hands off the wheel and grabbed the iPad from me, almost wrecking the car in the process. I have been creeped out ever since this happened. I continue to work with him but can’t get this incident out of my mind. Should I say anything to my boss—or to his superiors?

D.K.

A. Yuck. This should not have happened to you, and one would hope that your boss feels the same way. I don’t know the rules at your company, but in many workplaces viewing pornographic material on a work-issued computer is a fireable offense.

You may well wish to talk to your boss’s superiors or to human resources, since he endangered you while driving his car in addition to probably violating workplace rules. And you certainly should go this route if his behavior has been lascivious or otherwise inappropriate—or if you feel that the “accident” was in any way intentional. In that case, the incident probably constitutes sexual harassment. Just know that your complaint could end with his dismissal.

On the other hand, if you think that your boss simply made a terrible (and creepy) mistake, you might want to communicate with him directly. You could send him an e-mail that says something like “Ever since I saw that pornographic website on your iPad, I’ve felt uncomfortable around you. How can we straighten things out?” (Sending an e-mail will also create a paper trail, which could be helpful if he repeats this behavior in the future.)

Hopefully your boss will reply, “I know—I’m totally mortified. Please accept my deepest apologies.” And then nothing untoward will ever happen again. However, if his response is hostile or unapologetic, you may want to reconsider Plan A and tell his supervisors about the incident.

—Catherine Newman


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Want to Ask Your Own Etiquette Question?

Submit your social conundrums to Catherine at realsimple.com/modernmanners. Selected letters will be featured on the website each month.

Q. When people speak to me, can I request that they address me as Miss Kelly rather than simply Kelly?

Name withheld by request

A. Absolutely. But will it seem a bit odd? Possibly. Given that your desire is somewhat out of step with cultural norms, you may want to offer a reason for the request, should you have one: Maybe you’re a teacher whose students call you that, and you’ve grown accustomed to the moniker; or perhaps it’s a common way to address women where you grew up. However, if this request simply reflects your particular quirk, that’s fine, too. By making it, you’ll be giving people a true sense of who you are.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. My aunt has recently joined her church’s choir, and every couple of months she invites my husband and me to the concerts. My husband is Jewish and I’m not religious, and as much as we want to support her passion for music, we just can’t bear listening to hymns. I love her, but I hate the guilt that’s accumulating from all these unaccepted invitations. How can I (kindly) tell her to stop asking us to attend?

Deborah H.

California

A. Be honest and explain your feelings to your aunt with as much transparency as you can muster: “We’re happy that you’ve found your passion, but church really isn’t a comfortable setting for us. Please don’t be hurt if we don’t come to your concerts.” She may be disappointed, but at least she’ll understand why you and your husband have turned down her invitations, and you can stop feeling guilty about it.

But may I offer another suggestion? What about setting aside your personal feelings about religion and simply attending a concert every now and then? After all, your aunt is not asking you to kneel and pray—just to listen to some music. We all attend plenty of dull (or even shriekingly unpleasant) events in the name of love: Grade-school recorder concerts come to mind.

In this case, maybe spending a couple of squirmy hours in a church could count as a selfless act of familial devotion.

—Catherine Newman

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Submit your social conundrums to Catherine at realsimple.com/modernmanners. Selected letters will be featured on the website each month.

Q. An acquaintance of mine recently suffered the loss of her spouse, and the obituary did not indicate the cause of death. Is there a polite way to ask a person how her loved one died? Or should I be content with not knowing?

Name withheld by request

A. Indeed, as you suspect, you should be content with not knowing—or at least with not asking your bereft acquaintance directly. Her grief is what matters right now, and it would be rude to try to satisfy your own curiosity, no matter how natural and human that impulse may be.

In all likelihood, the widow has disseminated whatever information that she wants the public to have, and if her husband’s cause of death remains a mystery, so be it: Offer your condolences and try to put your inquiring mind to rest. And if you simply can’t bear not to know? Approach a mutual friend and make a gentle inquiry.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. I have a friend who constantly sends me texts about things she finds interesting, such as beauty tips, recipes, factoids, and so on. While I’m sure she thinks of this as a nice gesture, I do not have the time to read these messages and I’m also hitting my monthly text limit. Worse, since she often sends group messages, every time someone else replies, I get those texts as well. How do I tell her that I want to be removed from her text list without hurting her feelings?

I.Y.

New York City

A. Want to get longer lashes overnight? Or learn my recipe for the best-ever Crock-Pot ribs? Guess not, huh? Well, I hear you. Many of us are getting increasingly blitzed by information via text, and we’re losing a lot (think: time, sanity) in the process.

You could suggest that your friend contact you via e-mail or Facebook instead. But that may only complicate a situation that is really quite simple: Your data plan notwithstanding, you just don’t want to receive the messages.

A more direct request would be better. And luckily for you, you have a straightforward, concrete explanation to offer: “I’m sorry to ask,” you could say (or write), “but would you mind sending me messages less frequently? It’s so nice of you, but my phone has a limited plan, and I want to be sure that I have space left for the occasions when we exchange personal texts.” (Here I would add a joke at my own expense about being too much of a tightwad to upgrade my data plan—but that’s just me.) Hopefully, your plea will be all that’s required to stop the texts for good.

—Catherine Newman

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Submit your social conundrums to Catherine at realsimple.com/modernmanners. Selected letters will be featured on the website each month.

Q. My roommate hasn’t been faithful to her boyfriend on at least four occasions. Since he’s a friend of mine, I feel obligated to tell him what’s going on behind his back. Plus, I think it’s the right thing to do. But I’m worried about the financial fallout. I imagine she’ll get angry and move out, and I’ll be left to foot her half of the rent. What should I do?

Name withheld by request

A. First things first: Are you certain it’s your place to tell your friend about the four-timing roommate? Instead, you might consider having a heart-to-heart with her directly.

Start by making sure that your interpretation of the situation is correct, and give your roommate an opportunity to explain what she has been doing. (Could she and your friend have an open relationship that you don’t know about?) If, as you suspect, her behavior is not on the up-and-up, then ask her to come clean with your friend. Hopefully she will. And if she balks? Let her know that if she doesn’t tell him what’s going on, you will—and what’s more, you would like her to find a new place to live.

Drastic? Maybe. But it sounds as if you could do without all the drama she’s bringing into your life. And although I understand your concern about finding someone to pay half the rent, try not to base an ethical decision on a financial concern. Furthermore, it’s possible that if your roommate is deceptive in her romantic life, she may well be in other arenas, too. I’m guessing you and your friend can do better.

—Catherine Newman

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Q. My children’s grandparents (my in-laws) are smokers. They enjoy doing special things for my kids. The problem is that the treats they bake and the gifts they give smell strongly of cigarettes. I wash and air out what I can, but any food or plush items usually get thrown in the trash or donated to charity. Is there a tactful way of addressing this issue with them? I hate to see their effort and money go to waste.

Name withheld

A. When my daughter was born, I received a gift from an elderly smoker friend, and I could smell it even before I opened it: a precious hand-crocheted cardigan that, incongruously, reeked of cigarettes. But at least I could wash that little sweater. Also, it was a one time thing. Smoky gifts weren’t a recurring part of my life. However, you’re dealing with in-laws, which means the situation is ongoing and calls for great tact, as you’ve noted.

Here’s what I would do: Acknowledge the grandparents’ expansive generosity and your sincere appreciation, then take responsibility for the awkward situation that you’re about to create. Explain, “I’m so sorry, but I’m sensitive to cigarette smoke.” Tell them that it’s a problem for you when things come into the house smelling of smoke, and suggest an alternative: Online ordering of gifts with direct shipment to you, say, would resolve part of the predicament.

They are probably oblivious to the smell. If they understand that you’re trying to communicate with them in a nonjudgmental way, this conversation might segue into one about which gifts work (washable scarves) and which don’t (apple pie). If, on the other hand, they seem ruffled or defensive, then pursue it no further. Toss what you must and figure that, in the scheme of things, keeping the peace is more important than wasted gifts.

—Catherine Newman

Q. I am a teacher; a friend of mine has an office job. Recently she has made several negative comments about me and my profession. For instance, if I mention doing stuff around the house at 4 p.m. (when she hasn’t gotten home from work yet), she might say, “I wish I got off at 2:30.” During the summer months, when I’m on vacation, she has commented that I “don’t do anything all day.” It seems as though my friend hates her job, but that’s no reason to be angry at me. How should I respond to her?

Elizabeth S.

Seattle

A. It sounds to me like your pal is expressing envy rather than disdain for your line of work. (And she certainly ought to admire teachers, who are among society’s true heroes.) She clearly wishes that she had a workday structured more similarly to yours. But that doesn’t give her license to make thoughtless comments.

You could go in one of two directions here. If you’re inclined to highlight how hard you work—and how invisible that effort can be to other people—go ahead. Example: “Yes, if I weren’t so buried in grading, I could really enjoy these free afternoons!”

However, if you’re interested in improving your relationship, I would advise you to give your friend a simple explanation of how her comments make you feel: “I know you’re just teasing, but my job is hard, and it upsets me when you say disparaging things about it.” She may have no idea that she’s being obnoxious or that she’s making it seem as if you lie around eating bonbons 24/7. It will be a kindness to her to gently point out the way she is coming across—and it may well save your friendship, too.

—Catherine Newman

Q. I was diagnosed with a mental illness a few years ago. Since that time, I have been unable to work. Those close to me know why I’m not employed, but casual acquaintances do not. (I’m married, with no children, which makes me a more unusual stay-at-home wife.) If I had cancer or lupus, I would most likely tell them the real reason. But because of the stigma surrounding mental illness, I am unsure about what to say.

Christine

Venice, California

A. You can tell whomever you like whatever you wish. And, of course, you have the right to keep your condition private. In that case, you can simply say that right now you are focusing on volunteer work or painting or yoga or whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

But it sounds as if you would prefer to be honest and are keeping quiet out of fear that people will react negatively to your disclosure. While such a response is possible, of course, consider this: According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about one in four American adults suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in any given year. You are in good company, meaning your acquaintances may be much more understanding than you think, and your courage has the potential to help many people.

I suggest that you come up with one brief explanation to use anytime this subject arises: “I’m in treatment for a mental illness right now, but when I worked, I did XYZ.” Then ask the other person what she does for a living.

She may have follow-up questions about your condition or be willing to move on with the conversation. Either way, realize that each time you tell the truth, you chip away at the silence and anxiety that surround you as well as other sufferers of mental illness.

—Catherine Newman

Q. My daughter came out to me and my husband several years ago. I have not disclosed that she is gay to any of our friends, nor do I feel the need to. Out of respect for my daughter, I don’t feel that such an announcement is necessary. But one of my friends has been asking me about my daughter and seems to be trying to coerce a disclosure. (I’m not sure how, but I think that she knows the truth.) Do you have any suggestions on how I should handle this situation?

Jacqui

Louisville, Kentucky

A. I’m going to get to Mrs. Busybody in a second. But first: The phrase “out of respect for my daughter” gave me pause. Perhaps you would feel reluctant to share details about your daughter’s personal life even if she were straight. However, given our culture’s history of pressuring gay people to stay closeted, it’s worth asking yourself if remaining mum is the most considerate approach to your child’s sexuality.

You could consider the cues your daughter is giving. (For example, is she out at work?) But there is only one way to gauge how much privacy she wants: Ask her. If your daughter feels, as you do, that her orientation is nobody else’s business, then either ignore your pal’s needling comments or kindly suggest that she’s being nosy. “I’m inclined to leave my daughter’s private life private,” you might say. But if your daughter would prefer for you to be open and honest with your friends, then get on board, because that’s your train, it’s leaving the station, and you need to be on it—or risk permanently damaging the relationship you have with your child.

— Catherine Newman

Q. All our neighbors have dogs, which they allow to wander freely. These pets often end up in my backyard, where they leave me “surprises.” I am forced to dispose of the waste, which seems unfair, since I don’t have a dog. How can I ask my neighbors to keep their animals off my property without souring relations?

Amy Sandberg

Troy, Missouri

A. That stinks in more ways than one. Yes, if you don’t own a dog, you shouldn’t have to wield a pooper-scooper.

In some towns where dogs are forbidden from going off-leash, these neighbors wouldn’t just be thoughtless—they would also be breaking the law. But of course you want to keep your neighborly relations neighborly, so it’s best not to get the local animal-control authorities involved if you can avoid it.

Rather than assigning blame, approach these remiss pet owners in the spirit of information-sharing. Drop by next door and say, “I love your pups, but they have been leaving their poop on my lawn. Please, could you keep them out of my yard?”

You can also convey this message in an e-mail, but be extra careful to sound polite, since the tone of e-mails can be misinterpreted. If this doesn’t work, bring up the issue again, more forcefully. And if the dogs are still invading your space? Well, then you may need to contact your local animal-control department to learn what your options are. Despite the old saying, it’s considerate people, not fences, who make the best neighbors. Fingers crossed that you have the former so you won’t need the latter.

— Catherine Newman

Q. My husband and I are dear friends with a younger couple. They both have busy careers and text and e-mail incessantly for work. Recently the four of us dined out at a wonderful country inn, and they texted throughout the meal. I care very much about my relationship with them and do not wish to offend them, but this behavior bothered me. How can I nicely ask them to put their smartphones away?
Cecily
Portland, Oregon

A. Funny you should ask. Michael and I are total throwbacks, hanging tight to the belief that we should pay attention to each other when we’re together, as opposed to spending virtual time with other people.

But even folks who have never talked on a phone with a cord agree that you shouldn’t text at dinner. Since you and your friends have such a great relationship, you should be able to address this issue. Might there be a lighthearted way to do it—one that involves poking fun at your generational divide? For instance: “I hate to sound like an old fogey, and I know that you guys often need to stay connected with your busy jobs, but we’re greedy about our time with you and we would love to have your undivided attention during dinner.” Or: “I’m sorry to be so old-fashioned, but if it’s such an urgent matter that it can’t wait until after dinner, I can’t help wondering if you should take your phone outside, where you can concentrate.”

Whatever you say, end by acknowledging how considerate they usually are: “You’re such thoughtful friends. I knew that you would want to know how we felt.” Plus, asking them to return to the here and now of your delightful company will give them permission to put work aside for the evening, and that might be a real—if low-tech—blessing in disguise.

— Catherine Newman

Q. My mother-in-law is a dangerously timid driver. (Think: merging onto the freeway at 40 miles per hour while everyone else is going 70.) I have a baby and am concerned about having my mother-in-law drive her around. I would prefer that my child never ride in the car with her, but enforcing such a rule would be inconvenient and potentially hurtful. How should I approach this?

Jennifer W.

Bowie, Maryland

A. Your concerns are valid: Older drivers do get into more collisions than younger ones— though a study released last year found that kids are less likely to be injured in collisions that occur when grandparents are behind the wheel than when Mom or Dad is driving. (That might be due to the absence of speed that has been racking your nerves.)

But statistics will hardly tame your protective (and reasonable) mama-bear impulses. My two cents? Do your best to arrange outings so that your mother-in-law is never in a position to drive your child. But if the situation arises and you can’t bear the thought of her shuttling your little one around, place the blame on your new-mother anxieties. Tell her, “I know I’m a Nervous Nellie, but I feel more comfortable driving the baby myself.” Hopefully that admission will soothe any wounded feelings. And remind her that your kid won’t be so tiny forever. Maybe when your child is bigger, you’ll feel relaxed enough to make a different decision.

My new handbag was reasonably priced and in a lovely shade of tan that went with everything I own. I felt just great about making the purchase—until a day later, when I ran into a close pal. She took one look at it, raised an eyebrow, and said, “That’s a nice purse. Is it evidence that your remodeling project came in under budget?” The answer: hardly. My heart sank. I felt mortified, as though I had been caught doing something wrong. And then deeply uncomfortable. I didn’t want to have to justify my spending or financial decision-making to my friend.

Most of us are ill at ease talking about money even with close relatives—much less with our pals. That’s true of any time, but more so when the economy is weak and people are fearful. Plus, none of us want our loved ones to think of us negatively because they perceive we have too much money or too little; are too free with our cash or too frugal. So naturally we struggle to reply to money-related comments. Next time you’re at a loss for words, try these strategies.

Your friend asks the price of an item you’ve purchased. Be honest. (It’s not as if she can’t Google the item and find the price herself.) If it’s costly, explain that you’re willing to shell out for quality products. If it’s cheap, go ahead and boast about the amazing deal that you uncovered.

Your friend pries for specific information about your finances. Don’t reveal anything you don’t want to. Tell her that as much as you trust her, you have a policy of keeping such information private so as not to cause friction in your relationships.

Your friend overshares about her debts or money troubles. Commiserate while making it clear that you don’t want to hear the gory details. Say, “I’m sorry you’re going through hard times. If you need advice, I’d be happy to help you find a professional money adviser.”

You and your friend disagree over how much to spend when you go out. Maybe she wants a fancy three-course dinner while you’d prefer to grab a (cheap) slice of pizza. Or you’d like to luxuriate at a plush spa, but she’s not willing to shell out for more than the cost of a movie ticket. Instead of getting frustrated that your spending priorities aren’t aligned, have a frank chat about your budgets before you make plans. If you’re counting pennies, tell your pal, “I’d love to see you, but I’m being financially cautious, so I don’t want to spend more than $25 on our evening out.” In the mood to splurge? Then say, “I am treating myself and would love nothing more than to have you join me. But if you don’t wish to—for any reason—I’d be happy for us to spend our time together engaged in another activity we can both enjoy.”

—Michelle Slatalla

Q: I am a high school teacher who is expected to sponsor extra-curricular clubs and attend after-school functions—though this is not part of my job. This wouldn’t be so bad if it were a team effort. But many of my colleagues opt out of such responsibilities because they have kids at home. Since I do not, it’s assumed that I will donate my time. Frankly, I’m tired of being imposed upon. How can I nicely set some limits?

Megan Harris

Columbia, Maryland

A: I understand your frustration, and I don’t think you should have to be the cheerleading coach, the prom chaperone, and/or the debate-team adviser if you don’t wish to. Whether you are being expected to shoulder this load because of your child-free status or simply because you’ve been agreeable about taking on such work in the past, you need to establish new boundaries. Schedule time to speak with your supervisor and say, “You know I love helping the kids in any way I can, but I need to reduce my extracurricular responsibilities going forward.” (There’s no need to state why.) If you’re still willing to participate in some functions, let your boss know. If not, say that you’re happy to contribute to the school community as best you can during the regular workday. Since these activities are not required according to the terms of your employment, he ought to let you off the hook.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. How should I handle people who criticize my lifestyle choices?

A. The PTA meeting had just broken up. Following a heated discussion about the school’s lice-check policy, our group of moms was gathered around tea and cookies when I mentioned that my young daughters had memorized the dialogue to several entire episodes of Rugrats. I groaned about this in a lighthearted way, but not everyone was amused. “I would never let my kids watch that much TV,” retorted one woman. I was mortified—and speechless. And for years that unsolicited criticism riled me.

Even those who aren’t parents have been there at one time or another. Perhaps your vegetarian diet has been mocked by your red-meat–loving brother. Or you’re simply not interested in cutting back on your expensive bag habit, no matter what your penny-pinching best friend says. Chances are, you wish people would just mind their own business. Me too.

Alas, not everyone will keep her opinions about your parenting, your spending, or any of your other choices to herself. Hard as it can be, the way to cope with the incoming slings and arrows is, first, to take a deep, cleansing breath and sympathize with the person doing the criticizing, because remember: Many busybodies are trying to help. They genuinely believe you’re headed for trouble. By making a pointed observation about your behavior, they’re hoping to save you from harm. Next, as you breathe out, remind yourself that it is nice (on some level) that people care about what you do with your life.

By now you should be feeling calm enough to reply to the criticism in a polite, even-tempered way. Don’t get sarcastic or defensive. Instead, respond with an honest explanation for why and how you’ve made your choices.

For example, if you’re a vegetarian, you probably eschew meat for health or environmental reasons, or both. Explain that briefly—three sentences, tops—to your carnivorous sibling. If you are earnest and sincere in your explanation and avoid self-righteousness (“Anyone who cares about the planet would stop eating beef!”), he will probably listen. If you want to spend your money on a pricey bag and have chosen to accept the financial consequences of that action, say so. Add that your decision is not up for a vote. Finally, to anyone who expresses concern about the welfare of your kid, show her the best evidence of your stellar parenting choices: your brilliant, capable child herself.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. My best friend is very serious about writing screenplays. Recently he gave me his first real script and asked me for feedback. I read it and, unfortunately, wasn’t impressed. How do I speak to him about it honestly without seeming like an awful friend?

Elaine Candle

New York City

A. Start by pleading ignorance as a layperson without expertise in this area. (I’m assuming you’re not a writing or film professional.) Then tell your friend one thing that you liked about the script: “My favorite part was when…” Finally, say in a compassionate tone, “There are a couple of areas that I was unsure about. But bear in mind that I’m not a big sci-fi fan. You might want to ask additional readers to give you feedback.” It’s also useful to remind your friend that no one person—not even someone as discerning as you!—should be the sole arbiter of someone’s creative work.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. My husband and I have been married for about two years, and people constantly ask us when we are going to start a family. This question stirs up a lot of emotions for me: I suffered through a miscarriage and have had a hard time getting pregnant again. I would love to tell people that they are asking an inappropriate question, but I don’t have the audacity to do that. What should I say?

Name withheld by request

A. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult time. And the folks asking this question would feel just as sorry if they knew the details of your situation. Remember: They have no idea that they are causing you pain. From their perspective, they see a couple starting out on a lovely journey through life together. When they inquire about your plans to have children, what they’re really trying to say is: “Seeing you reminds me of good times, which makes me happy for you, and this is my way of acknowledging that sentiment.”

Of course, it would be better if they could just say that. Train them, nicely, to be more careful about what they say to young marrieds like you. The next time this happens, say, “I know you mean well, and I appreciate your kind thoughts, but personal questions make me uncomfortable.” Then, before there’s time for an awkward silence, change the subject to a neutral topic.

―Michelle Slatalla

Q. For the past year, my friend has been complaining again and again to me about the same issue. She has never heeded any of my advice, leading me to feel drained whenever she brings up the topic. How should I respond the next time she starts griping?

Becca Brinkley

Riverside, California

A. Your friend is not really looking for your advice. She has a chronic problem that she can’t help talking about. But for some reason she doesn’t feel capable of taking constructive steps to rectify the situation. That’s why she hasn’t acted on your suggestions.

After patiently listening to her vent and offering solutions for a year, you have more than fulfilled the duty of friendship. It’s time for your pal to get assistance from someone else—ideally, a therapist or a counselor. So the next time she brings up the subject, gently say, “You know I care about you. But I don’t think my suggestions on this topic have been helpful for you. Instead of covering the same ground again, let’s brainstorm: Is there anyone you could speak to who might have better ideas for solving this predicament?”

―Michelle Slatalla

Q. How Should I Handle Noisy Neighbors?

A. Noisy is a subjective word. A sound that you consider loud and intrusive might be perceived as simply “music” or “conversation” to someone else. People generally have a right to do as they wish at home—to mow their lawns, to practice piano, or to have friends over for a barbecue. So before you get riled up, ask yourself: Is your neighbors’ noise just everyday hubbub or truly oppressive? (Not sure? Ask your spouse or a levelheaded friend for a second opinion.)

If the noise is annoying but commonplace—like occasional Sunday-afternoon leaf blowing—you’ll have to find a way to live with it. However, if the clamor is excessive or happens at inappropriate hours (say, the leaf blowing starts at dawn), you can and should take action. To figure out how, answer this question: What kind of people are your neighbors? Are they cheerful sorts who socialize at the block party? Or are they standoffish—even hostile?

If you consider these folks to be good neighbors, chances are the noise is unintended. Knock on their door and say, chirpily, “Hi! Sorry to intrude, but could you turn down the music a little? By the way, I love your new deck chairs!” The situation is more delicate with unfriendly neighbors. But they still deserve the benefit of the doubt. First, approach them face-to-face with a polite request to pipe down. If you’re not comfortable doing that, slip a note under their door (avoiding all pejorative language) requesting that they kindly do their edging after 10 a.m. Ideally, things will quiet down. If they don’t, the next time you see them, ask nicely if they received your letter. And if that doesn’t work? You’ll need to call the police. After all, it’s their job to enforce local noise ordinances.

Hopefully, it won’t go that far. Most people want to be neighborly and will correct wayward behavior once it’s pointed out to them. Case in point: A couple recently moved in next door to my brother- and sister-in-law. Turns out, the new neighbors were often loudly amorous. So one afternoon my relatives knocked on the young lovers’ door and said, “We want to let you know that we’re expecting houseguests with children next week. Please let us know if the kids get too noisy.” For emphasis, my sister-in-law added, “As you may have noticed, when you’re trying to sleep, the hedge between our houses doesn’t block sounds.” They never heard another peep (or pant) again.

―Michelle Slatalla

Q. A coworker of mine lies so often and so freely that it’s hard to trust anything she says. She’s an older woman, so I’ve even wondered if she might be dealing with early-onset dementia. How can I address this situation?

Name withheld by request

A. Lies are deliberate misstatements. But you don’t sound convinced that your coworker is fibbing intentionally. If you think that she may have a health problem that’s causing her to say things that are wrong or untrue, then your ethical obligation is the same as if you saw her trip over a curb and hit her head on the sidewalk: Offer her aid.

Here’s how you do that. The next time your coworker says something fallacious that could cause problems for others at work, take her aside and ask if she’s aware that her statement was factually incorrect. Gauge her response. If she seems unsure or unsteady, your next conversation should be with your supervisor or someone in human resources who can put your colleague in touch with a health professional. And if it seems that she is purposely lying? Your forthright and direct approach should put her on notice to knock it off. If it doesn’t, you’ll need to loop in your boss and/or HR before anyone else’s work is compromised.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. I’m a stay-at-home mom with an infant daughter. Lately people have asked me, “Isn’t it time to put your child in day care and go back to work?” or “Don’t you get bored being home all day?” I find these questions rude. How should I reply?

Laura Kastrup

Vancouver, British Columbia

A. First let me say, what a lovely time for you! I hope you enjoy every minute. I fondly remember when my girls were tiny, and I have to say my only regret is not realizing how fleeting that time would be. Don’t waste it worrying about rude questions. It’s nobody’s business whether you work in the home or out of the home. Furthermore, anyone who passes a negative comment or who appears to be judging you is probably insecure about her own life choices.

The next time someone broaches the topic, face her head-on. Say in a matter-of-fact tone, “I feel fortunate to be able to spend meaningful time with my daughter. I wish every parent could have the same wonderful opportunity.”

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. Is it ever appropriate to spill a friend’s secret?

A. Think back to fifth grade, when Jennifer Green told your crush that you liked him. It felt mortifying, right? You wanted to crawl under a rock. And Jennifer Green was from then on barred from your sleepover parties. To this day, you don’t even want to be her Facebook friend.

Things aren’t much different for adults. That’s because breaking a confidence—even one concerning the most trivial of topics—can destroy the trust in a relationship. As an example, I’ll share the story of my (formerly) secret beef barley soup.

I have a friend who likes to make soup. Her soup is OK. But mine is great. “Oh, your soup is so much more delicious than mine,” she would often say, wistfully. “Please, please, tell me how you do it.”

“Promise not to tell anyone else?” I asked.

“Not a soul, ever,” she said. I believe she went so far as to cross her heart, playground-style.

I leaned in. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no soup-loving spies were lurking in the vicinity. Then I whispered: “I buy ‘homemade’ stock. It’s the expensive kind that the gourmet market sells.”

At my next dinner party, as I was ladling soup to serve a roomful of guests, including this friend, she spoke up loudly from the end of the table: “Oh, Michelle, is this the soup you make with the stock from that fancy food place?”

Reader, I think we can all agree that the soup secret was one she should have kept. And I’ll tell you another thing: If I live to be 100, she will not get my chicken noodle recipe.

OK, so maybe this blown secret wasn’t worth losing sleep over. But that’s not the point. Nine times out of 10, whether a secret is insignificant or life-altering, you should keep it to yourself. The exceptions? If the secret involves a major ethical breach or could truly cause harm to someone. Let’s consider two possible examples.

Your cubicle-mate admits to you that she lied on her expense reports. You can’t keep this to yourself. For one thing, her actions could hurt the company. Plus, you risk guilt by association if it comes out later that you knew all along. I realize this may make for a terribly awkward conversation, but you need to let her know that the manager will be informed of this wrongdoing—by her or by you.

You also need to take an unpopular stance if your friend tells you she has been drinking excessively and doesn’t want her husband or kids to know. Tell her, gently but firmly, “This is not a secret I am willing to keep. You may be endangering yourself or others if you drink and drive. Either you open up to your family or I will have to tell them the truth.” You won’t win any awards from your friend, but you may save her life.

Q. My cousin, who lives one state away, is a terrible hostess. Her home is such a mess (think soiled clothes and piles of paper in the hallway) that I’m not comfortable having my family stay there when we visit. However, I don’t want to hurt her feelings by confronting her about her bad housekeeping. What should I do?

Name withheld by request

A. You’re right to shy away from chastising your cousin. Unless your family’s health or welfare is directly affected (for example, your child has an allergy to dust), it’s not your place to critique her homemaking.

Of course, you are under no obligation to put up with it, either. Why not simply stay with a friend, if you have one nearby, or in a hotel? If she asks why you’re bunking elsewhere, avoid hurting her feelings by saying, “You’ve been so generous to host my family and overlook the disruption that a lot of guests cause. I want to see you, but without creating so much hassle.” With any luck, she’ll thank you for being so considerate.

— Michelle Slatalla

Q. Recently my friend found a great babysitter. I asked if she would share the sitter’s information with me. (I need someone to watch my kid occasionally.) To my surprise, she refused, saying I should find my own child care. I feel offended. Am I overreacting?
Name withheld by request

A. No, because this particular “friend” is treating you like a rival, not a pal. She’s acting as though the two of you are at cross-purposes when, in fact, you would both be better off if you helped each other and shared information.

Clear the air. Tell her, “Your response hurt my feelings, not because I care about getting a new babysitter, but because I think of friends as people who help each other. Have I done something to offend you?” If she says yes (perhaps you asked her for referrals in the past and didn’t thank her or return the favor), talk out the problem and see if you can find a way to behave in a more mutually beneficial manner. And if the answer is no? You can remain cordial with her, but realize that she may not be a truly loyal friend.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. I would like to invite my daughter to have dinner with me—alone, without her husband. How do I make the request without hurting his feelings?

Name withheld upon request

A. Your son-in-law sounds like a rare bird. Many a man would be grateful for the opportunity to bow out of a dinner with his in-law. So I'm going to assume that your daughter's husband is a more sensitive sort. OK, that's fine. But, even still, his feelings shouldn't be bruised just because you wish to spend time one-on-one with your daughter.

Probably, you can simply be honest. The next time you see your daughter, explain, "It's nothing personal, but sometimes I love to hang out with only you. Life is so busy that a one-on-one evening feels like a delicious luxury." That should do the trick. If you're still worried that he'll feel excluded, suggest that you and your child break bread on a night when he's not available—when he is out of town on business or has a guys' night with pals scheduled. That way, he'll be occupied with his own activities, making it much less likely that his feathers get ruffled.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. Is it impolite to correct friends or relatives when they’re wrong?

A. If you’re going to point out someone’s errors—whether he or she is a childhood confidant, your second cousin, or (ahem) a prospective spouse who might one day be in a position to write a column referring to the incident—you should proceed with caution. That’s because even when you’re acting with the best of intentions, no one enjoys being corrected.

This is something that a certain man should have considered when he took me out on our first date. It was 1986. We were just getting acquainted over dinner. I was telling him about my aunt who lives in Massachusetts, when he interrupted.

“It’s Massachu-setts,” he said.

“I know,” I said.

“You’re supposed to pronounce it Massachu-setts,” he said.

I stared at him blankly.

“You said Massachu-sess,” he helpfully explained.

Reader, I married him anyway. But I never forgot being corrected—and your pal or loved one might not, either. So before you fact-check someone, consider the stakes. How important is it that this error be addressed?

In general, when the mistake is of little consequence and speaking up will cause embarrassment, I suggest you keep quiet. So your girlfriend Jessica will continue to think expresso is the name of a popular Italian beverage. That’s OK. It’s better than mortifying her at a dinner party.

However, if the error could cause a real problem, gently offer a fix. Say someone gives incorrect driving directions in your presence. Don’t stay silent; Google the route on your cell phone, cheerfully explaining, “Hey, I’ve heard about a great shortcut you could try.”

In other situations, you’ll need to be more direct. For example, if you believe that a grammatical foible will prevent your friend, Mrs. Malaprop, from landing a new job or an important client, offer your assistance. Say something like “I’ve always heard the word pronounced reh-zuh-may.” Use a mild, nonconfrontational tone that almost makes it sound as if you’re questioning the quirks of the English language rather than your friend’s intelligence.

Likewise, speak up if it would be irresponsible to withhold a correction. Case in point: If one friend offers bogus health advice to another, chime in. Say firmly, “My understanding is that you should never use a prescription off-label without checking with your physician first. Have you already done that?”

Finally, if you have a friend who makes the same error all the time and it drives you insane, go ahead and say something. But be subtle, and phrase the correction as a question: “Isn’t Mary 49, not 50?” That allows your chum to say, “Oh, you know, you’re right,” as if she had come to that conclusion on her own.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. My boyfriend’s mother wants to know everything about our financial situation—from what we make to the size of our debts. How do we explain to her that it’s none of her business?

Elaine Feeny

Greensboro, North Carolina

A. You’re right—it is none of her business. But take a moment to ask yourself why she wants to know. Is she just nosy? Or is she fretting that you and your boyfriend spend more than you can afford? If the two of you have recently bought a house or another big-ticket item or if one of you has lost a job, you shouldn’t be surprised. Her questions might be grounded in legitimate worry.

I suggest that your boyfriend sit down with her (she’s his mom, after all) and say, “We both appreciate your concern, and we want you to know that it has made us look closely at our finances. We understand that managing our budget is our responsibility, not yours. And we assure you that we have everything under control, so you don’t have to worry in the future.”

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. My husband’s parents give him birthday and holiday gifts, but they never give any to me or our son. I would like to say something to change the situation, but I don’t want a confrontation to ensue. What should I do?
Name withheld by request

A. When your in-laws fail to acknowledge you, a terrible message is sent: While your husband is a beloved part of the family, you are an outsider. That’s bad enough. But neglecting their grandson is even more mean-spirited. If this keeps up, there is no way you can avoid feeling upset or angry—not just toward your thoughtless in-laws but also toward your husband for being passive about their rude behavior. That’s why you can’t solve this problem alone; your husband must be involved. Enlist him to remind them, in no uncertain terms, how much pleasure it gives a family member to be remembered on special occasions, and that there will be consequences (namely, a growing distance and resentment on the part of their own son) if the situation isn’t immediately rectified.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. My mother babies my younger brother (he’s 14; I’m 24). She won’t let him do anything remotely risky or challenging. As a result, he is totally inactive and sits in the house all day playing video games. Is there anything I can say or do without overstepping boundaries or compromising my relationship with my mom?

Angela Todd
Ozark, Missouri

A. For starters, get your brother out of the house. Engage him in a relatively risk-free activity that involves (a) sweating and (b) no screens whatsoever. I’m thinking Ping-Pong. In the process, you may find out that it’s his personality, not your mother’s, that’s prompting him to play Band Hero 24/7. (I assume your mom didn’t try to get you addicted to Nintendo during your teen years.) But if the problem persists and you continue to worry that your mother’s overprotectiveness is the root cause, you may want to broach the topic of your brother’s lack of physical activity. Say, “Mom, Johnny looks healthy when he gets some fresh air. Can you work with me to make sure he gets enough of it?” My guess is that she’ll be willing to join forces for this particular cause.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. How can I ask a stranger who is talking loudly in public to be quieter without causing awkward tension?

Julieanna Gray
Staten Island, New York

A. Generally, you can’t. People are allowed to talk to each other (and on cell phones) in public, and everyone has a different idea of what constitutes loud. If the clamor bothers you, use headphones to listen to music or an audiobook. An exception is if the talker is sitting or standing so close to you that his conversation invades your personal space—that is, you can’t hear Lady Gaga or the audiobook. Then you may join his discussion and say, cheerfully, “I know what you mean—that happened to me!” or “I wish I knew the answer to that myself.” When the talker turns to you in surprise, say, “Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to me.” With any luck, the speaker will turn away, chastened, and crank down the decibel level.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. During my dentist appointment, I heard a technician use racial epithets. Should I tell my dentist? Let it slide? Or just stop going to the practice? It made me very uncomfortable.

A. Racial slurs are unacceptable, in any context. And it’s our responsibility as citizens of a larger community to confront bigotry rather than to look away. So before you book your next appointment, address the situation head-on. Call and ask to speak to the dentist. Then channel the voice of your most authoritative elementary-school teacher and say, “When I was last in your office, I overheard a dental assistant use some inappropriate words to describe people of a different race. It was very disturbing. Can you please let your staff know that they should not use that sort of language?” I suspect you’ll get a contrite apology. But if you’re not satisfied with the response, or if the incident repeats itself, you ought to get your teeth cleaned elsewhere.

—Michelle Slatalla

Read more advice about your etiquette conundrums, and see our Modern Manners blog.

Q. My adult brother passed away two years ago after a long illness. When I meet new people and they ask me whether I have siblings (and how many), I get upset, because I don’t want to have to launch into a traumatic story. What is the proper reply?

A. The folks asking that question have no idea it is causing you pain. They are merely attempting to make conversation. So the best answer is a simple one that deflects further questioning on a sensitive topic. If you have other siblings, mention them, then add, “I also had a wonderful brother, but I lost him.” Then change the subject.

With this response, you honor your brother’s memory by acknowledging that he lived. But by avoiding giving details, you discourage additional inquisitiveness.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. How can I nicely say no to requests for my time or money?

A. Until recently, I couldn’t have told you. I thought of myself as the sort of person who helps others whenever possible—who volunteers at the school, gives job advice to college students, and makes dinner for the couple with the new baby. As a result, I was totally stressed. The madness ended only when I glanced in a mirror and saw the reflection of a woman with wild eyes and what looked like a mop of electrocuted cowlicks.

At that moment, I realized that saying yes-yes-yes was creating big problems (even worse than bad hair). I was tired. I was cutting corners. And I was beginning to resent the people I was supposed to be helping.

To start saying no, I had to get past the emotional reasons—the fear of seeming rude, the desire to be a team player, guilt—that had compelled me to say yes. I reminded myself of how valuable my time was, and how much happier I and my loved ones would be if I weren’t so overtaxed. Then I developed an arsenal of things to say when I wished to decline, no matter who was doing the asking. Here’s a sampler.

To the nice lady at the front door who’s holding a clipboard: “Sorry, this is a bad time. But if you leave a pamphlet, I’ll be happy to educate myself about your cause.”

To the PTA president who wants you to run the next bake sale: “Agnes, I just can’t take on such a big job right now. But you can count on me to donate a batch of cupcakes!”

To your friend or relative who wants to borrow $100: “There’s a good reason that banks lend money as a business. When a personal relationship turns into a financial transaction, things get messy—and I don’t want that to happen to us.”

To the neighbor who asks you to water her plants while she’s out of town: “Laurie, I have a brown thumb—the opposite of green. Entrusting your plants to me is ensuring a certain fate.”

To your mother-in-law who wants to invite her third cousin twice removed to your daughter’s wedding: “I’m afraid I used up my influence with the bride by pressuring her to invite all my friends and distant relatives.”

To someone who wants to network with a friend of yours: “I don’t feel comfortable giving out her contact information without permission, but I’ll pass yours along to her.”

To your kid who wants a third cookie: “No, sweetie. I love you too much to let you fill up on sugar instead of the balanced diet that will enable you to grow up strong and healthy. Here’s a carrot.”

To your dog who is begging for table scraps: “Hey, why don’t we take a walk instead, big guy?”


—Michelle Slatalla

Q. How do I nicely ask the man in the apartment next to mine to stop smoking on his terrace? The smoke comes into my apartment and makes me miserable.

A. Obviously, this fellow has a right to smoke on his own property. On the other hand, you are neighbors, and the neighborly thing to do is compromise. So talk to him in a cordial way that indicates you respect his rights. The next time you run into him, say, “Hey, Robert, I know you like to smoke. And you should be allowed to smoke. But it’s making me unhappy when I have to breathe it in. What should we do?”

You could offer to buy a fan for his terrace to blow smoke away from the building. Or, if he’s really nice, he may offer to go outside the building, away from the terrace, in pleasant weather, which would cut down on your exposure. And if all else fails and you can’t tolerate the smoke anymore, you may want to make your next abode a smoke-free one. (Check out smokefreeapartments.org for more information.)

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. A year ago, an artist friend gave me one of her paintings. It has hung in my living room ever since, but now I’d like to take it down. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?

A. This is a touchy one. Your friend is an artist, so her professional pride will be on the line. And you don’t want to look as if you are disparaging her talent or her taste level. Consider these two approaches.

If you like the painting but tend to rotate the art on your walls from time to time so you don’t tire of it, share that information with your friend. When the picture reappears at a later date, be sure to point that out to her, too.

However, if you displayed the painting solely out of friendship and now want to deaccession it permanently, follow these steps. First, shift the painting from the living room to a less prominent place—a spare bedroom or a hallway—and tactfully mention this to your friend by saying you made the move because “the light was better” or, conversely, “to protect it from the sun.”

In an out-of-the-way spot, the painting will no longer confront you every time you walk into the house; you may decide it can stay there. If it still bothers you, give it a few months in that spot, then take it down. If your friend asks where it is, you can say you are having it professionally cleaned. By this point, you will have dropped more than enough polite hints to discourage further queries, so with luck she’ll let the matter go.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q: How do you get a friend to stop talking incessantly about her perfect kids, her awful ex, or any other given topic?

A: Just about everyone has pet conversational subjects that he or she returns to again and again, though the reasons can vary. For example, you probably already know that my husband, Josh, was a foreign-exchange student in Japan during college. No? Then clearly you have never met him. Josh tells everyone he meets—folks at parties, at the office, in the bleachers at our daughter’s lacrosse games—about the year he spent there. And he does that because the trip was one of the most important formative experiences of his life. Similarly, a friend who talks nonstop about her children’s impressive standardized-test scores and brilliant violin recitals is telling you that being a good mother is a crucial part of her personal identity. You can’t truly be her friend unless you accept that and are willing to celebrate it—to a certain extent, anyway.

However, when a friend compulsively revisits a sore subject—rehashing the terms of her divorce settlement, bellyaching about her weight—it means she is wrestling with something. It’s as if she has a cavity that she’s worrying with her tongue. It’s there, bothering her, and she doesn’t know how to make it go away. So she talks (and talks) about it. While she may sound whiny or obsessive, she is probably just trying to express her underlying anxiety or fear.

But even if your friend has a good reason for bringing up her favorite topic, you may not want to be held hostage to it. So try one of these strategies to get your conversations to take a different turn.

Change the dynamic by inviting a third person to join the two of you. What to say: “Jane, meet Ellen. She saw that movie I told you about. You’ve got to hear what she thinks of it.” Your friend will probably not want to ramble on about her personal business in front of a stranger.

Ask your friend about the third-rail subject yourself, but encourage her to be succinct. What to say: “First, Jane, give me the quick lowdown on your children. Are they up to anything I haven’t already heard about?” Hopefully, exhorting her to focus on breaking family news only will nudge her toward brevity.

Validate her feelings, then immediately follow up with a non sequitur. What to say (after she moans about her ex-husband): “I know your ex is a hard person to deal with. But when you’re feeling down, remember how much better things are now than during your marriage. Which reminds me, have you ever thought about taking a spa vacation? You deserve it.”

And if you happen to be married to a man who was a foreign-exchange student in college, there’s one more thing you can say. After one of his monologues about the beauty of the Japanese countryside, I’ve found it very effective to lean over and interject, brightly, “Wait—you lived in Japan? I had no idea!”


—Michelle Slatalla

Q: Often when I’m at the ATM, people waiting in line crowd in close behind me. How do I politely tell them that they are invading my space and need to step away?
Jill Broecher
Spearfish, South Dakota

I can see why you’re skittish. You’re keying in your PIN and perusing personal financial information while someone is hovering in your personal space.

My suggestion: Tense up and jump a little, as if someone snuck up on you, and shoot a startled look over your shoulder. Make eye contact, smile apologetically, and say, “Oh, hi. I didn’t realize someone was standing so close to me.” Chances are the person will back off—literally.


—Michelle Slatalla

Q. Recently a friend and I shared lighthearted jokes about another couple. To my shock, my friend recounted this conversation to the couple in question, who are now furious and won’t speak to me. How do I make up with them? And what do I say to the person who betrayed the confidence?
Name withheld by request

A. This is a real mess. You gossiped about another couple with the sort of “friend” who would run straight to them. And to make matters worse, it sounds as if she hung only you out to dry. Promise me that you won’t repeat this mistake. Make no “lighthearted jokes” at others’ expense with anyone besides your dearest friend or your partner, ideally in the privacy of your own home and never, ever via e-mail. As for the tattletale, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. Is this really the kind of friend you want? Have a heart-to-heart with her and ask for details about how you ended up getting incriminated.

On to the bigger problem. The couple now feel that they can’t trust you. And they have a point. If you want to change their minds, you will need to show them that you are a well-meaning person who faces up to her mistakes and sincerely apologizes for them. Phone or, better yet, go over to their house and say, “I’m so sorry. I think the world of you, and I screwed up here. Please forgive me.”

You may get lucky and end up back in their good graces. But if their response is to ask how you could have said unflattering things in the first place, answer, “I’m not sure how my comments were described to you, but I meant them affectionately. I’m fond of you, and it makes me sick to think I hurt your feelings.”

If this doesn’t work, enlist the aid of your (ahem) chatty pal and ask her to contact the offended party and tell them she misrepresented the situation. If she is a genuine friend, she should feel chastened enough to follow through.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. I am the mother of five-month-old twins—a boy and a girl. When I take them out in public, I am bombarded with questions: “Were they natural?,” “Are they identical?,” and so on. Plus, people always tell me I must have my hands full. I find these comments offensive, but how do I respond without being rude?
Rebecca Ravesloot
San Jose, California

A. First, congratulations! Hearing about another mother’s new babies always brings back joyous memories of my own daughters at that age.

And my reaction is not unusual. Catching a glimpse of your adorable twins— with their little pearly fingernails and long eyelashes and sweet smiles—no doubt makes other people happy. They probably want to connect with you and therefore comment in a way they believe is supportive. By noting that you must have your hands full with two (which, admit it, must be true), they’re actually complimenting you on how well you appear to be navigating motherhood and, say, Costco at the same time.

As far as questions go, if they’re simple (“Do you have one of each?”), then answer them. If a question is prying or requires a long answer (“Did you have IVF or some other fertility treatment?”), demur. Don’t address the question itself. Instead, respond to the concern that precipitated it. Say something like “Thank you for your kind interest,” then mention an impending “nap time” and rush off, as if you need to get those twins home pronto, before they start crying in tandem.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. How do you politely—but effectively—confront someone in public?

A. First let’s start with a caveat: There are times when you shouldn’t try to intervene on your own. Say it’s late at night and you’re in a dark alley with someone who is in the process of breaking into an apartment building. I would not suggest speaking up at that moment. This is otherwise known as common sense.

But most circumstances fall into grayer areas. A perfect example: The other morning I was walking through the park with my most self-assured friend, who happens to be a surgeon. We were deep in conversation when she suddenly stopped and stared at a pet owner who was chatting with an acquaintance as her pooch squatted nearby.

“Someone should tell her to pick up after the dog,” the surgeon said.

“Someone should,” I agreed, thinking, But who? Not me. I’m wimpy!

“I’m going to say something,” she announced.

“Really?” I asked, my heart starting to pound. (That’s how wimpy I am.)

“Excuse me—is that your retriever?” the surgeon called. The owner smiled, probably expecting a compliment (her dog had a fine, glossy coat, after all).

“You need to do a pickup over there,” the surgeon added in a firm voice, pointing to the deposit. “We don’t want a child to step in it.”

“Right,” the owner agreed. She headed toward her dog before turning and adding, “Thanks!” Whoa! Thanks?

“How did you pull that off?” I asked.

“Easy—I used my doctor’s voice,” she said. Ah yes, that was where I had heard that tone of voice before. It was at a recent checkup, when my physician announced authoritatively that I needed a flu shot and more exercise.

That’s when I realized that the trick to confronting people without having them ignore you (or sparking a full-blown fight) is to sound calm, dispassionate, and helpful. Certainly there are people who will respond poorly to any sort of criticism. The oblivious mom at the playground doesn’t want to hear that her child is acting like a hooligan, so chances are she’ll be tart and defensive no matter how you approach her. Nonetheless, using a “doctor’s voice” may be your best bet for emerging from a confrontation relatively unscathed.

Afterward I practiced speaking in that manner in front of a mirror, making sure to keep my expression neutral. And just a few days later I put my new technique into practice.

I was walking down the street behind a teenager who tossed a gum wrapper on the ground.

“Excuse me,” I called in my most unruffled and adult-sounding voice, imagining myself wearing a stethoscope.

He turned. I pointed to the gum wrapper. That was all it took.

“Oh, sorry,” he said, and picked it right up. And, miracle of miracles, he even gave me a smile.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. My superior at work consistently misuses a common phrase, “in light of,” both in conversation and in writing. It totally drives me crazy and makes her look rather foolish—which she isn’t, at all. Do I tell her?
Name withheld by request

A. Do not correct your boss. If you are a parent, you may correct your children. If you are a teacher, you may correct your students. If you are married, you may correct your spouse (though ideally not in public). But you may not correct your boss.

Why? Your supervisor may feel it’s condescending to have her grammatical or rhetorical deficiencies pointed out. It may feel to her as though you’re subtly suggesting that you’re smarter than she is. Oddly enough, she may not appreciate that. What you can do is start using the phrase properly in front of her. Frequently.

Maybe she will figure out on her own that she was wrong. If not, there’s a good chance that she may try to correct you—which she is allowed to do, being above your head and all.

At that point, act innocent and say, as if you are actually curious, “Oh, wow, I had no idea I was misusing the phrase. I always thought it had a different meaning. Let’s look this up on the Internet to see what it really means.”

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. My boss checks his e-mail and texts while he drives—even when I’m a passenger in his car. How do I tell him that this makes me extremely uncomfortable without causing any awkwardness between us?

Stacey Lehrer
Pikesville, Maryland

A. Texting while driving is a dangerous thing to do. That’s why it’s against the law in 30 states. You should not be in a car with a driver who does it. Period.

That said, I certainly understand why you’re concerned your boss will think you’re being insubordinate or questioning his judgment. Bring up the topic in a neutral tone of voice and—this is key—when you aren’t in a car with him.

Here’s a strategy worth trying: Go to work early one day with a folded section of a newspaper under your arm. Endeavor to run into your boss in the parking lot or on the elevator or at the communal coffeepot. Then gesture to your newspaper and say, “Boy, that was a terrible story the other day about the driver who went off the bridge while typing on his gadget thing.” Then shudder.

If your boss doesn’t get the message, the next time you’re headed out on the road together, gently say, “Would you like me to drive so you can keep up with your e-mail? I know you’re very busy. And I promise not to drive us off a bridge!”

—Michelle Slatalla

Q. A member of my family recently had something contagious. Must I alert visitors?

A. I hesitate to share this story, even long after the fact, because of the social stigma. But I trust you, my generous and understanding readers. So here goes. About a year ago, my daughter, who is in the eighth grade, came home and announced, “Everyone at school has lice.” Then she scratched her scalp.

It’s funny how the mere suggestion of head lice sets off a chain reaction. I examined her scalp—OMG, there were nits!—and then she examined mine (clean). Within minutes, the bedsheets were in the laundry, the hairbrushes were in the dishwasher (on the heavy-duty “pots and pans” cycle), and I was on the way to the drugstore to get that stinky-smelling shampoo. As it happened, the lice didn’t give up without a fight, and so a couple of unsuccessful treatments later I turned to the professionals at Bug-a-lugz, an upscale delousing salon in Northern California, where we lived at the time. That finally did the trick.

Once my daughter was lice-free, we prepared to resume our normal lives. Well, until a few days later, when my daughter asked if she could have a friend sleep over, and I said sure. And then the phone rang: It was the friend’s mother. Here is a partial transcript of the conversation.

Other mom: “You have lice!” (Translation: Your house is dirty.)

Me: “No, we had lice, but not anymore.” (Translation: I feel dirty.)

Other mom: “I don’t know if my daughter should sleep over.” (Translation: I still think you’re dirty.)

I blame myself for this painful discussion. By not phoning the other mother in advance to inform her of our lice issue—and to reassure her that the nits were history—it probably seemed as though I was hiding something.

There are better ways to handle any contagious situation, whether you’re dealing with lice or bedbugs or even just a head cold. First consider the temperament of the prospective visitor (or her responsible adult), and tailor your preventive action accordingly.

For instance, is your guest the hardy sort, who might shrug off a threat? If so, a simple warning ahead of time (“Just so you know, we had lice. But—phew!—they’re gone now”) should suffice. Or is she a worrier? I have a friend who is part hypochondriac, part clean freak. When someone getting treatment for lice once visited her house, it sent her into a panic. She spent the next 24 hours frantically washing and disinfecting every surface she could think of—even scouring underneath the upholstery. This is the sort of person who will need special reassurance.

Offer her lots of information. Call your doctor (or exterminator!) to learn when the contagious period in question is over. Then pick up the phone. Say, “The doctor said it’s fine, because colds usually aren’t contagious after 10 days.” (Or: “The exterminator promised us the nits are gone.”) Then wrap up the conversation by graciously offering your friend an exit strategy: “While I’m confident everything is safe, I understand if you’re uncomfortable and want to postpone the visit.”

Everything should work out fine. After all, nobody at my daughter’s sleepover got lice—or has gotten them anytime since. But I admit my scalp still gets a little tingly when I think about it.

—Michelle Slatalla

Q: My husband and I have one child, and we feel happy and complete with our family. How do we field rude questions from people inquiring when we are planning on having more kids?

A: First, realize that the people who ask this question don’t know they’re being rude. They believe they’re showing an interest in you and your life.

That said, you need to train them to show the sort of interest you consider acceptable, rather than intrusive. You can do this gracefully, by deflecting their question with a humorous response (“We’re waiting to see how this kid turns out, and then we’ll decide”) or a delicate reminder that they’re treading on personal territory (“What a funny question. No one has ever asked me that before”).

Then, since people would usually rather talk about themselves anyway, change the subject: “Why don’t you tell me about your family?” And if you’re feeling cheeky, go ahead and turn the tables: “So, are you thinking of adding another little bundle of joy to your household?”

—Michelle Slatalla