10 Life Skills Your Mother Never Taught You

How to Take Criticism

“When we hear criticism, our sense of self gets hijacked,” says Germer. “Let yourself say, ‘Ouch! That hurt.’ ” Resist the urge to rush in with rationalizations (“It’s not my fault! You hate me!”) or self-recrimination (“It’s all my fault! I hate me!”). If you need some time to get your head together, ask for it, advises Boorstein. Say, “I’m caught off guard a little, but I want to take this in, so let me think a minute before we keep talking.”

Criticism can hit like a punch, and you may experience a physical reaction. Is your chest tight? Is there a lump in your throat? Are you woozy? Germer says to note where you’re feeling stress. Awareness helps you relax those spots, which in turn calms your mind. “Anytime we locate an emotional state in our body,” he says, “it becomes more manageable than when it’s in our heads—where we can wind up having a five-hour conversation with ourselves about the criticism.”

The next step, when you’re somewhat calmer, is to consider what is being said. Often (as we know from after-school specials) it’s something that we need to hear. “Be nice to yourself,” says Germer. “But I’m not talking about propping yourself up by saying, ‘Oh, I got a bad performance review because the boss has it in for me, and the whole process is bogus anyway.’ ” That cheats you out of the chance to learn something. Real self-compassion, Germer adds, is acknowledging that you can be less than perfect at some things without being a total failure: “Then you can take in what the other person is saying and also have the internal support to carry on.”