How to Make Positive Changes in Your Life

How to Change Someone Else's Mind

The essential rule when trying to convert someone is: Don't―at least, not at first. "Just listen," says Dennis Ross, former Middle East envoy and author of The Missing Peace (Farrar, Straus, $25, amazon.com). "It shows respect and allows you to learn." This approach applies whether the subject is peace between the Israelis and Palestinians or that orange plaid sofa your husband wants to buy. After listening, show that you get it. "Tell your husband you understand he loves the couch because it's big enough for the whole family to watch movies from," says Catherine Cardinal, a psychologist and the author of A Cure for the Common Life (DeVorss, $10, amazon.com). "If you're negative, he'll defend it more." Next, nudge the other person to see your side. "I used to ask the Israelis what the Palestinians might accept, and vice versa," Ross says, "to make them more sensitive to each other's thinking." Then gently, imperceptibly, introduce a new outcome. "Everyone needs an explanation to tell others," Ross says, "and it's best if the other person thinks he came up with it."