5 Ways to Get Out of a Sex Rut, According to Experts

If you and your partner are struggling to connect, consider this advice from sex therapists and researchers.


Create Anticipation

Photo by Assembly/Getty Images

"If you're in a rut, sex has probably become mind-numbingly predictable and routine. Shake things up quickly by creating anticipation for something new. Tell your partner, 'I've got a surprise in store for you, but you're going to have to wait.' Prepare to do something fun or new, but don't tell your partner what it is or when it's coming. The anticipation will drive you both wild!” -Vanessa Marin, licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex.


Re-Frame Your Goals

"Think about what you would enjoy about the sexual experience. This could be the feelings of closeness with your partner, the enhanced connection, or your own or your partner's pleasure. Approaching sex by thinking about the positive outcomes could lead to better sex, and the desire to engage in sex more often." -Amy Muise, postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto working in the Relationships and Wellbeing Lab​.


Think Beyond 'Desire'

"If you want your sex life to have a happy ending, abandon fairly tale notions of feeling like you should always want sex. Forget about who's in the mood, who's not, and commit to 15 minutes of arousal-generation—it could take the form of kissing and fooling around, watching porn together, sharing a fantasy, giving each other massages, or just dancing like a goofy fiend. You don't need desire to have sex, you need to have willingness to generate arousal." -Ian Kerner, sex therapist and founder of GoodinBed.com.


Stimulate Your Senses

"Most people are born with five senses: smell, taste, touch, hearing, sight. I also add two more: psychological and emotional. Each person has their top senses that help to turn them on the most. Explore novel ways to turn yourself on through stimulating your three most erotic senses. Then, share them with a partner." -Sari Cooper, sex therapist based in New York City.


Get Educated

"Consider becoming more sexually educated together as a couple. I like for my clients (and their partners) to read books or articles on sexuality written for teens and young adults. Even with sex education in schools, it never hurts to learn the basics when you have a real-live partner to practice with." -Sally Palaian, PH.D, licensed psychologist in Metro Detroit.