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How to Balance Your Work Life and Your Married Life

Busy two-job couples can find making quality time for both relationship and career a challenge. Married actors, writers, and frequent collaborators Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman share their absolutely surefire strategies (okay, funny marriage advice).

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Nick’s Tips

1. If you’re going to bring work home, make your wife do it for you. It will help her feel more included.

2. Make room in your busy schedule. For example, stop making love to your wife every now and then to get some work done.

3. Balance your mind first, with whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey.

4. Make a list of your priorities. Eat the list. Write another list. Eat that too.

5. Try walking in your wife’s shoes. Also her bra and panties. Go to town, Chester, she’s at work. You’ve got alllll day.

6. Keep your work at your workplace and your home life at home and that little cabin in the woods, that’s just for you and your special squirrel friends.

7. Balance is very important. For example, if you have to spend a few hours working at home one night, be sure to make love to your wife at your workplace for the same amount of time.

8. Reduce stress at every opportunity. Am I saying “Drink a shot of bourbon” at every opportunity? Legally I can’t say that. But you and I both know what I’m talking about.

9. Tell your boss to stop sleeping with your wife. That’s probably only adding stress to your life.

10. No matter how busy you are, make sure to schedule in some time for your spouse. Yeah, scheduling sex. That sounds like a stress reliever.

Megan’s Tips

1. First and foremost, stop sleeping with your boss.

2. Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.

3. Hire someone to do your work for you, or to do your husband. Or both. Either way, you get more “tub time.”

4. Combine fun time with work time and call it ferk time. Great, now go ferk each other.

5. Surprise your husband with a nooner. You could even include him!

6. Leave work at work. Then set fire to “work” and watch it burn to the ground. Consider “being on the lam” a great new start at couple time.

7. Need more time for your hubby? Get a restraining order against your boss.

8. Remember a “couples massage” is a massage you get alongside your spouse. It’s not when a couple you just met massages you at Starbucks.

9. Find an old millionaire who will pay you handsomely for one night of passion. Not sure how this fits into this list, but it’s a pretty good gig if you can find it.

10. Start referring to your “bikini area” as your husband’s “work area.” Tell that lazy bastard to get back to work.

Read More About:Relationships

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