Step 2: Gather information.

Once you’ve worked out your thoughts, get a handle on the other person’s. “Don’t assume you know the cause of a problem or what the other person is feeling,” says Robin. “Arm yourself with as much information as you can before starting your discussion.”
 
Suppose you didn’t get a promotion you thought you deserved. Don’t confront your boss in outrage; ask why she felt you weren’t right for the position, then use that information as the basis for a subsequent career discussion. Or maybe your husband blew up at you because of high clothing bills. Instead of shouting back, ask what’s bothering him about your budget. Is money tight? Does he think you spend a lot more than he does? You might also research how much, on average, American women spend on clothing, then discuss with him how your expenditures compare.
 
 What could trip you up: Tuning out the other party. You need to understand his or her position as well as you can if you hope to reach an agreement.
 

Step 3: Determine your negotiation process.

Start by deciding whom you want to be present for the discussion and when and where it will take place. Choose a setting that will make both parties comfortable―the den rather than the kitchen, a conference room rather than the boss’s office. “Using a neutral spot to resolve a conflict can make all the difference in the world,” says Brinkman.
 
Next, “set ground rules for how you’ll talk to each other,” says Eileen Borris, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in diplomacy and the author of Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program in Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness ($22, amazon.com). That is, vow to keep name-calling and accusations out of the process. Decide ahead of time who will speak first.

 What could trip you up: Not scheduling adequate time to deal with the problem. More resentment is sure to build if either party feels that he or she doesn’t have the opportunity to make a case fully.