| The Seven Deadly Gift-Giving Sins
1. We send mixed messages. At heart, presents function as messages we're trying to send one another. Problem is, things are awfully blunt instruments for conveying feelings, and frankly, our feelings are often complicated. You bought your brother that cashmere sweater to say "I love you and went all out this year," but it might have a whiff of "This will look so much better on you than that sweatshirt you've been wearing since 1989." If he's anything like the men I know, he'll hear "You dress like a bum" and react accordingly (the bum!). solution: The thought counts, so send the right thought. Stay away from gifts with any trace of an agenda. They'll inevitably be read as "You don't love me the way I am." Forget the cookbook for the noncook ("Look how easy it is!") or the exercise equipment for the couch potato ("Maybe you'll get inspired!"). The only message you should be trying to send is one of affection or appreciation. 2. We give unto others what we'd like for ourselves. This is what leads Aunt Pearl to give those doilies. She just adores them, and who wouldn't? The message with gifts like these is that you either don't understand the people you're giving them to or don't care enough to try to please them. solution: Focus on their tastes and interests. Take the time to figure out (or just ask) what will make them happy. So don't give your favorite Johnny Cash CD to a techno-rave devotee. That CD is on its way to the closet or the curb, and you know Johnny deserves better than that. 3. We worry about parity. Sometimes the stress over gifts revolves around getting it "just right" on the reciprocity front. After unwrapping the gloves you hand knit for me, I panic about the Isotoner slippers I picked up for you at the checkout. And you, the loving knitter, can relate to John Cusack's pain in Say Anything... when he says, "I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen." solution: Be honest. When you're holding her hand-knit mittens and you're both horrified by your polyester slippers, just say, "Boy, do I owe you!" Then grab the tab for lunch next time or extend a favor "to thank you for that awesome gift." Or: You always buy for your married friend and her five kids — and get almost nothing in return. First, realize that giving a lot is a choice you've made, and that you can make a different one. Then figure out what's behind your extravaganza. If you love haunting the toy stores and watching the kids' reactions, then focus on the pleasure of giving and consider that a gift to yourself. But if habit or a sense of obligation is driving you, now's the time to stop. |
| The Seven Deadly Gift-Giving Sins
4. We run dry. Some people feel free to buy themselves whatever they want, so there seems nothing left in the stores you could give them that they don't already have. Or maybe you've just been buying gifts for them for such a long time that it feels that way. solution: Take something off their to-do list instead — something they'd never get around to doing for themselves. Last Christmas my husband tracked down batteries for all 10 of my standstill watches. I, on the other hand, made the trip down-town to finally get him a Fast Lane pass transponder for the toll roads. Think that's unromantic? Every time we zip through a toll I still say "Merry Christmas!" and collect my kiss. 5. We think we're all playing by the same rules. I'm from a big gift-giving family, but my friend Rachel's family couldn't be more different: They buy a couple of things for themselves and toss them at one another — "Here, wrap this for me." Before you convict someone of a lack of feeling, consider that they simply may not think about gifts the way you do. For some, gifts are a way of expressing love; for others, they're a bothersome chore. solution: Ask and tell. If you're from a family like mine but married to Scrooge, talk about what the gift ritual means to each of you. What do you love or dislike about it? With your cards on the table, you may find compromises that will satisfy all. 6. We wait until the last minute. For some of us there's no hope for this problem. But if you're determined to lick it... solution: Get serious and make a plan. It can be as simple as forcing yourself to start shopping the first weekend in November. Or try the take-no-prisoners method a woman I know has concocted. She makes a gift list with three columns. In the first go the names; in the second, any special interests; in the third, some specific gift ideas. Then, throughout the year, she keeps an eye out for "the perfect thing" for the people on the list. If she passes a Caribbean art gallery, she pokes her head in to see if there's anything her Haitian-art-loving Uncle Howard might go crazy over; if there is, she stashes it away and checks Howard off the list. Come December, all she has to do is wrap. 7. We put too much emphasis on holiday giving. Finally, with all the focus on December, we overlook the everyday gifts we give one another throughout the year. At the top of my list is a weekend at my in-laws' when I slept 12 hours by myself in a double bed (bliss!). And my husband's fixing the gutters this fall without my having to remind him about it. (OK, that's not yet true! But, honey, there's still time!) solution: Do December backward. Start the month off by saying "thank you" — in a card, an e-mail, a voice mail — for gifts like these that you've already received. This puts the holiday exchange in its proper perspective, takes some of the pressure off, and gives the gift of appreciation and affection loud and clear...and free. — by Sheila Heen, author of Difficult Conversations (Penguin Books, $14), a book about managing conflict in important relationships. She also teaches negotiation at Harvard Law School. |