4. We run dry. Some people feel free to buy themselves whatever they want, so there seems nothing left in the stores you could give them that they don't already have. Or maybe you've just been buying gifts for them for such a long time that it feels that way.
solution: Take something off their to-do list instead — something they'd never get around to doing for themselves. Last Christmas my husband tracked down batteries for all 10 of my standstill watches. I, on the other hand, made the trip down-town to finally get him a
Fast Lane pass transponder for the toll roads. Think that's unromantic? Every time we zip through a toll I still say "Merry Christmas!" and collect my kiss.
5. We think we're all playing by the same rules. I'm from a big gift-giving family, but my friend Rachel's family couldn't be more different: They buy a couple of things for themselves and toss them at one another — "Here, wrap this for me."
Before you convict someone of a lack of feeling, consider that they simply may not think about gifts the way you do. For some, gifts are a way of expressing love; for others, they're a bothersome chore.
solution: Ask and tell. If you're from a family like mine but married to Scrooge, talk about what the gift ritual means to each of you. What do you love or dislike about it? With your cards on
the table, you may find compromises that will satisfy all.
6. We wait until the last minute. For some of us there's no hope for this problem. But if you're determined to lick it...
solution: Get serious and make a plan. It can be as simple as forcing yourself to start shopping the first weekend in November. Or try the take-no-prisoners method a woman I know has concocted. She makes a gift list with three columns. In the first go the names; in the second, any special interests; in the third, some specific gift ideas. Then, throughout the year, she keeps an eye out for "the perfect thing" for the people on the list. If she passes a Caribbean art gallery, she pokes her head in to see if there's anything her Haitian-art-loving Uncle Howard might go crazy over; if there is, she stashes it away and checks Howard off the list. Come December, all she has to do is wrap.
7. We put too much emphasis on holiday giving. Finally, with all the focus on December, we overlook the everyday gifts we give one another throughout the year. At the top of my list is a weekend at my in-laws' when I slept 12 hours by myself in a double bed (bliss!). And my husband's fixing the gutters this fall without my having to remind him about it. (OK, that's not yet true! But, honey, there's still time!)
solution: Do December backward. Start the month off by saying "thank you" — in a card, an e-mail, a voice mail — for gifts like these that you've already received. This puts the holiday exchange in its proper perspective, takes some of the pressure off, and gives the gift of appreciation and affection loud and clear...and free.
— by Sheila Heen, author of Difficult Conversations (Penguin Books, $14), a book about managing conflict in important relationships. She also teaches negotiation at Harvard Law School.
