1. We send mixed messages. At heart, presents function as messages we're trying to send one another. Problem is, things are awfully blunt instruments for conveying feelings, and frankly, our feelings are often complicated. You bought your brother that cashmere sweater to say "I love you and went all out this year," but it might have a whiff of "This will look so much better on you than that sweatshirt you've been wearing since 1989." If he's anything like the men I know, he'll hear "You dress like a bum" and react accordingly (the bum!).
solution: The thought counts, so send the right thought. Stay away from gifts with any trace of an agenda. They'll inevitably be read as "You don't love me the way I am." Forget the cookbook for the noncook ("Look how easy it is!") or the exercise equipment for the couch potato ("Maybe you'll get inspired!"). The only message you should be trying to send is one of affection or appreciation.
2. We give unto others what we'd like for ourselves. This is what leads Aunt Pearl to give those doilies. She just adores them, and who wouldn't? The message with gifts like these is that you either don't understand the people you're giving them to or don't care enough to try to please them.
solution: Focus on their tastes and interests. Take the time to figure out (or just ask) what will make them happy. So don't give your favorite Johnny Cash CD to a techno-rave devotee. That CD is on its way to the closet or the curb, and you know Johnny deserves better than that.
3. We worry about parity. Sometimes the stress over gifts revolves around getting it "just right" on the reciprocity front. After unwrapping the gloves you hand knit for me, I panic about the Isotoner slippers I picked up for you at the checkout. And you, the loving knitter, can relate to John Cusack's pain in Say Anything... when he says, "I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen."
solution: Be honest. When you're holding her hand-knit mittens and you're both horrified by your polyester slippers, just say, "Boy, do I owe you!" Then grab the tab for lunch next time or extend a favor "to thank you for that awesome gift."
Or: You always buy for your married friend and her five kids — and get almost nothing in return. First, realize that giving a lot is a choice you've made, and that you can make a different one. Then figure out what's behind your extravaganza. If you love haunting the toy stores and watching the kids' reactions, then focus on the pleasure of giving and consider that a gift to yourself. But if habit or a sense of obligation is driving you, now's the time to stop.
