Give a Gift to the Person, not the “Cancer Victim”

From the moment a woman is diagnosed, cancer takes over her life, so a gift that addresses who she was before the diagnosis as well as what she’s going through is always appreciated. Laura Livingston Rubin, 34, a New York City–based publicist, invited her friends to a party right before she began her chemotherapy and was bowled over when a friend presented her with six American Express gift cards, totaling $3,500. “All my friends chipped in,” says Laura. “Each had a message, like ‘Keep kicking ass!’ or ‘You’re still hot!’ When I was feeling blue, I could treat myself to something frivolous — a pedicure, a new dress, organic tomatoes. It lifted my spirits.”

A self-help book on beating cancer may seem like a thoughtful gift, but it’s better left on the shelf. “Those are things you need to choose yourself,” says breast cancer survivor Cathy Scheibe, 67, a magazine publisher in LaMoure, North Dakota.

Let Her Have Dark Days

While breast cancer is no longer an automatic death sentence — in fact, about 85 percent of those who receive an early diagnosis survive — many patients still wonder, Why me? and have periods of self-pity. “I went through many ‘This just sucks!’ moments,” says Beth Weinblatt, 35, a legal assistant in Bedminster, New Jersey, whose mother, grandmother, and aunt all had breast cancer. (Her mother, diagnosed when Beth was four years old, is a 31-year survivor.) When Beth was feeling low, friends who cheerfully insisted that she was going to “beat the disease” actually made her feel worse. “I really appreciated those friends who let me sulk,” she says.

Sometimes having down days means a need for some privacy, says Lizanne Kelley, 49, a marketing director and a single mother in Fort Lauderdale. Although friends rallied around her during her treatment, they also gave her the space to process things at her own speed. “They’d call and check up on me,” says Lizanne, “but no one pushed me for details, and I appreciated that enormously.”