Anger Style: Passive-Aggressive
What It Looks Like: “Oops. Did I delete all those old baseball games from the TiVo?” You don’t hide or swallow your anger, but you express it in an underhanded way.
Why You Might Do It: You dislike confrontation, but you’re no pushover, either. “People become ‘anger sneaks’ when they believe they can’t stand up to others,” says anger-management specialist Ronald Potter-Efron, Ph.D.. Some people who are cautious by nature turn to this style when they feel pushed outside their comfort zones.
The Damage: You frustrate people. Todd puts it another way: “You’re living your life around making sure other people don’t get what they want, instead of striving for what would make you happy.” The bottom line: No one wins.
How to Turn It Around
Give yourself permission to get angry. Tell yourself that anger is your psyche’s way of saying you’re tired of being pushed around. A mantra: Assertiveness is fine; aggression (passive or otherwise) is not.
Advocate for yourself. Instead of “forgetting” to turn in your report at work or showing up late to meetings, gather your courage and tell your boss that your workload has gotten too heavy or that you’re having an issue with a coworker. It won’t be easy, but neither is looking for another job.
Take control. If you turn to passive aggression when you’re uncomfortable with what’s expected of you, it’s important to do something to take the reins of your situation. Unable to manage the house or the finances solo? Rather than doing a haphazard job of it (subconsciously, of course), tell your partner how important it is that he contributes.
Anger Style: Self-Abuse
What It Looks Like: “It’s my fault he cheated on me. I’m a terrible wife.” You find a way to make everything your fault, every single time.
Why You Might Do It: Somewhere along the line, your self-esteem took a beating and you decided that sometimes it’s just safer and easier to be mad at yourself than at someone else.
The Damage: Constantly turning angry feelings inward can set you up for continued disappointments and even depression.
How to Turn It Around
Question yourself. Every time you feel the urge to assume blame, start by asking yourself, “Who told me I was responsible for this?” Then ask, “Do I really believe that?” Instead of accepting all responsibility, thank yourself for recognizing the pattern in the first place.
Work on your self-worth. Make a list of your positive qualities. Developing a genuine sense of worthiness is a critical step in overcoming self-blame. Seek out a professional if you need more help in working around this issue.
