“Divorce is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences a person can go through,” says Robert Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, in Charlottesville, and the author of The Truth About Children and Divorce. “Just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s easy.”

What Not to Do: When friends told Lucy Barnes, a New York City–based clothing designer with three children, that she was better off without her husband, they made things worse. “I’d wind up defending the man who had broken my heart because a part of me still loved him,” she says. “It’s not helpful to say ‘What a jerk,’” Emery says. “You’re also saying ‘How could you spend so much time with such a jerk?’” Also unhelpful to Barnes were the friends who said “You’ll meet someone else” right after the separation. “Losing your partner after so many years is like losing a part of yourself,” she says. “Finding someone else was not my first thought. In fact, it was unsettling.”

What to Do: “To be able to vent, cry, or panic and not be scolded or cut off was a safety vest,” Barnes says. Emery agrees. “Those going through divorce are in the chaos of lost hopes and dreams,” he explains. “Thinking out loud helps them sort things out. She doesn’t want easy answers. She wants someone to listen.” She also needs to get her mind off the drama from time to time. “Having a friend say ‘Let’s go see a movie’ was good,” says Barnes. “But the best friends were those who made me laugh.”