The Problem: Her boorish husband rubs you the wrong way.

What to Do: Definitely don’t complain to her, says Christa Schmidt, a psychologist at the University of Maryland Counseling Center, in College Park: “That will put distance between you two, because she won’t want to discuss the relationship — a major part of her life — with you.” Instead, simply rely on creative scheduling. Plan one-on-one activities with her that you know he won’t want to tag along for — a Meg Ryan movie marathon, perhaps — or organize a regular ladies’ night out.

Sample Script: “Oh, Susan, instead of the four of us going out to dinner Friday night, how about you and I treat ourselves to a pedicure tomorrow?” Exception: If her mate’s bad behavior is serious and you fear for her safety, then be direct. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, and cheating are all grounds for intervention. “Voice your concern for her as just that — concern for her, rather than an attack on her significant other,” Schmidt says. “And communicate that you will be there for her through thick and thin.”

The Problem: She gives unsolicited advice.

What to Do: Whether you address the problem in the moment — like just after she’s disparaged you for ordering fried chicken instead of grilled — or wait a few days to cool off, it is imperative that you say something if you ever want to stem her criticism. Use “I” statements to make your message seem less confrontational, suggests Schmidt, and be specific about what’s irking you.

Sample Script: “I appreciate where you’re coming from on this, and I know you care about me. But I feel judged when you give me advice. What I need from you is to listen to me and be my friend instead of critiquing my decisions.”

The Problem: She says subtly mean things about your children or spouse.

What to Do: Recognize that when a friend says, “Your Emily did surprisingly well on that test” or “Your husband got lucky with that promotion, huh?” she probably doesn’t realize she is summoning your inner grizzly. If you allow the veiled insults to continue, however, they will erode your friendship (and someone could lose an eye). So let her know that her comments hurt you. They’ll probably taper off, if not end then and there.

Sample Script: “You might not have meant it that way, but what you said about my (insert family member) was insulting to me, and it hurt my feelings.”