6. When in doubt, discuss the setting.
It sounds like a cop-out, but it works. "It's something you share,"
says Carducci. "If you comment on the good music or the interesting
floral arrangements or how long a line for food is, and the other
person agrees, that means they're willing to talk to you." Another
fail-safe, setting-specific question is "How do you know the host?"
7. Revive a dying conversation.
Don't panic when there's a lull in the conversation. "Silences
aren't as long as you think they are," says Carducci. "Remember
that if you say something, the other person may need to process it.
Think of silence as a transition." Roberts adds, "Sometimes silence
is appropriate. You don't want to seem like a babbling idiot." If
you sense that the other person is dying to get away, give him the
opportunity to do so. Otherwise, take the conversation in a new
direction using one of the above tactics. "Throw something out
there," says Carducci, "and don't worry about making the transition
smooth."
8. Make proper introductions.
The true hallmark of a skilled and gracious small-talker is the
ability to introduce people with ease. In addition to announcing
names, offer a piece of information about each person, or a shared
interest, thereby facilitating a conversation. "I try to be genuine
and sincere and convey that each person is important, and I try to
say both names slowly," says Roberts, who gives the following
example: "Kate, this is Jane. Jane and her husband just moved here
from Cincinnati. Jane is interested in painting and is an artist
herself. Jane, this is Kate. Kate is the museum's director of
communications."
Things get tricky when you forget one of the names. In that
instance, "mention one person's name and gesture to the other one,"
says Post. "That person will usually sense you're at a loss and
volunteer their name." Cawley cleverly passes the buck: "I say the
name of the person I do know and then say to her, 'I'll put you in
charge of the introduction.'"
9. Defuse unpleasant situations.
For every group of lovely people you meet at a party, there's bound
to be a lemon. Type 1 is the person who has met you on several
occasions but acts as if he's never seen you before in his life. "I
don't like to play games, so I acknowledge that we've met right
away," says Cawley. "I'll say, 'You may not recall, but I remember
meeting you at a fund-raiser two years ago.'"
Type 2 invades your personal space. "I don't say anything; I just
move back," says Filippini. "If they get me against a wall, I
maneuver around them." Cawley also steps back, and "if they follow
me, I extend whichever hand is holding my cocktail, so they're an
arm's length away," she says.
Type 3 won't stop talking about himself and hasn't asked you a
single question. "If someone is that self-centered, exit the
conversation gracefully," says Carducci. Which leads us to:
10. Make a clean getaway.
"Use the phrase 'I need,'" advises Fine. "I need to get some food;
I haven't eaten all day. I need to talk to a client over there. I
need to meet the speaker." Freshening your drink, using the
restroom, chatting with a friend who has just arrived, and checking
in with your spouse are also valid needs.
"If you can mention something from the conversation that meant
something to you," says Roberts, "it shows that you're not running
off because you're bored. I say, 'I've enjoyed talking to you about
your volunteer work, and I hope to talk to you again.'"
For extreme situations, Fowler recommends establishing "rescue me"
signals with a partner or a friend to let her know when you need
help bailing out of a conversation. Cawley has paged herself to
escape a dull party. "My favorite is to ask someone else nearby — a
spouse or a good friend — to dance," says Fowler, provided there's
music and others are dancing, of course.
