Among your friends and family, you may be known as
Switzerland — always neutral, never nosy — but there are times when
sitting on the fence seems less than noble, and you feel
spineless for not stepping in to help.
Real Simple reveals the
best approach (or retreat) when you feel compelled to speak up.
SITUATION Your child's best friend drives like a bat out of hell. You worry
for your kid's safety, as well as that of unsuspecting motorists
and pedestrians.
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY: Your kid's safety comes first, but diplomacy never hurts. If the
road warrior is old enough to drive, she is old enough to hold a
mature conversation. (Plus, you'll gain her respect by not
talking to her parents first.) Speak with the friend alone and
begin by saying she is important to you, advises Jane Hight
McMurry, a communication coach and the author of
The Etiquette
Advantage, $15,
www.amazon.com. Explain your safety
concerns, focusing on the situation or behavior and not on the
friend.
WHAT YOU RISK: Your child may hate you for the rest of high school. Fill her in
on your concerns before you speak with the driver. If your talk
with the speed demon doesn't work, contact her parents and forbid
your child to ride in her car.
SITUATION Your friend's husband has terrible body odor. It's a quiet joke
among your friends, but you know the problem could be solved with
a daily swipe of deodorant.
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY: Leave this one alone. Body odor is offensive, but no one's life
is at stake. Telling your friend about her husband could threaten
your relationship. Chances are, she knows and would be extremely
embarrassed if you brought it up. When a bodily function is to
blame for the problem — rather than someone's penchant for
perfume, for example — people can be especially sensitive. If it's
a close friend or sibling whose reputation is at stake, see if
you can bring it up as if it's a today-only problem. A "Gee, Sis,
did you forget the Secret today? Here, use mine" might have the
right teasing tenor to keep her from getting upset. If it's a
colleague, bad B.O. could mean bad business. See if your
supervisor could casually remind everyone about the importance of
personal hygiene on the job.
WHAT YOU RISK: If you shut your trap, you may have to hold your nose.
SITUATION You observe a friend's baby-sitter neglecting (but not abusing)
the children in her care. As they balance atop the backyard swing
set and lunch on Ho Hos and Coke, you grow uneasy about the
competence of the sitter and the safety of the kids.
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY: Preface the conversation with the parent by saying, "I'm telling
you this because I'd want to know if they were my kids." First
relate positive observations, letting the parent know that the
children were happy, for example. Then tell her exactly what you
observed. "Focus on the problem that concerns the children's
safety," McMurry says. "It is not necessary to mention the lame
lunch or make comments about badly spent child-care money."
WHAT YOU RISK: Getting a perfectly good caregiver fired. Make sure you mainly
address the safety issues or you could be labeled a busybody.
SITUATION Your father-in-law is begging for a heart attack. He has
hypertension but still feasts on chicken-fried steak, smokes like
it's his job, and lives up to his La-Z-Boy's name.
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY:
"You're unlikely to change someone's lifestyle, so don't take it
on as your mission," says Peggy Post, an etiquette expert and the
coauthor of
The Gift of Good Manners, $25,
www.amazon.com. What's more, he is probably aware that his behavior is unhealthy.
"Leave the lectures to his doctor and his next of kin," advises
McMurry. Tell your spouse how worried you are about his dad, and
gently suggest that he say something. Words of concern from your
father-in-law's flesh and blood have more potential to be a
wake-up call than do words from you, which might serve only to
embarrass him.
WHAT YOU RISK: An offended spouse. Proceed with caution, because he might see
himself following in Dad's footsteps and take it personally.
SITUATION You despise your brother's fiancee. She smothers him and mothers
him like a toddler. You fear she railroaded him into an
engagement ring and that he regrets his decision.
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY: "This is the place where many overstep the boundaries of what's
appropriate, and relationships suffer as a result," Post says.
Look for a moment alone to have a conversation with your brother.
Start by asking unobtrusive big-picture questions. Lines such as
"Are you happy?" or "This is a really big step. Are you ready?"
are good openers. Then listen and tread lightly. If he's unhappy,
having your ear will help him figure out what to do. If he claims
to be content, simply keep your mouth shut. He'd be unlikely to
listen to your criticisms anyway. "Look for good qualities in the
woman to whom he is professing his love — even if her only obvious
strength is that she makes your brother happy," McMurry says.
WHAT YOU RISK: Your brother could read right through you. If he senses a torrent
of complaints waiting to gush out, he might be
offended — permanently.
SITUATION Your son's teacher plays favorites, or so you suspect. Sadly,
your child doesn't make her pet list and you're worried he's
getting short shrift.
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY: Accuse a teacher of having pets and you will undoubtedly end up
in the doghouse. Instead, treat the teacher like an esteemed
colleague, someone who is working just as hard as you are in the
business of educating your child. "Start by saying, 'My child
really enjoys your class,'" says Sue Quale, a teacher and
student-discipline adviser at the River Valley Middle School, in
Spring Green, Wisconsin. "Follow with 'Lately he has been coming
home kind of upset because he doesn't feel his opinion is valued.
Have you noticed a change in his activities in class? Can you
help me improve his mind-set and performance?'" When asked for
help, a teacher is often willing to make an effort to call on the
student or give him a bit more attention.
WHAT YOU RISK: Interpreting the situation wrongly. Your little angel could be
stretching the truth, and your misinformed defensiveness could
make things worse. If the situation is real but the teacher is
unresponsive, discuss your concerns with the principal.
SITUATION Your family patriarch routinely makes racist, sexist, and
homophobic jokes at family dinners, chortling loudly as everyone
else grimaces and tries to change the subject. ("Great
centerpiece!")
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY: No one should be allowed to get away with making those remarks,
no matter what their age — and to ignore such comments is to
condone them. Let him know one-on-one after dinner that you want
him to cease and desist, that his jokes make you uncomfortable.
(If a joke is particularly offensive, or if he's spewing an
unrelenting string of them, you may want to speak up at the
table.) Try not to lecture or be confrontational, because that
might cause him to dig in his heels. "And if your children are
within earshot of these tirades, you may have to limit their
exposure to him," Post says.
WHAT YOU RISK: Making a scene (or getting sent to your room). If no one has ever
spoken up before, he might not know just how offended everyone
is. If the remarks don't stop, you'll probably have to suck it
up — or find another place to have dinner.
SITUATION You've overheard your bosses complaining about a coworker's
chronic lateness and constant instant messaging.
HOW TO MEDDLE MINDFULLY: If you like the coworker, speaking with her might be worth the
risk (especially if you're nowhere near an annual review). Start
with a general warning, Post suggests. Say something like "I
heard that management is getting ready to really crack down on
tardiness." If your colleague doesn't get the clue, be honest
with her. "Let her know exactly what you overheard, but do it in
a private place where she won't be further humiliated," McMurry
advises. If you've learned that a coworker is getting canned,
however, you should keep it to yourself. At that point, there
isn't much anyone can do, and you could endanger your own job.
WHAT YOU RISK: Getting in the line of fire. Remove yourself from the situation
after your initial conversation.
