Speak from the heart. Katherine, a 55-year-old sales representative in Scottsdale, Arizona, appreciated her friends' honesty when she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis five years ago. "It was comforting when my friends acknowledged it," she says. "One said, 'I can't do anything about it, but I'm sorry.' Another called to say she was going to take me to buy a wheelchair. She said, 'It's not that you need it yet, but when we go shopping, it will be so much easier to throw you in that chair and push you.'"
Sincere compliments go a long way. "I loved it when people said, 'You look great!' or 'It's wonderful that you have the energy to go shopping!'" says Jenny, a 34-year-old survivor of Hodgkin's disease in New York City. "I also appreciated little things, like when people commented not on my lack of hair but on how cute my hat was."
What Not to Say
Don't dwell on it. "I didn't want to focus on being sick," says Jenny. "I still had to go to bed at night and get up in the morning. Life goes on."
Don't claim to know exactly how your friend feels. "People don't know how hard it is to physically and mentally accept a chronic illness," says Katherine.
Don't make vague statements, such as "Let me know what I can do," says Nance Guilmartin, author of Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say ($20, www.amazon.com): "Instead ask, 'Do you want me to get some groceries for you or pick the kids up from school?'"
