Put her situation into a larger, less personal context. "Even though I knew it was an economic decision, deep down I felt that if I'd been a better employee, it wouldn't have happened," says Mary,* age 41, a New Yorker who was laid off by an advertising agency last year. "A friend of mine told me, 'Layoffs are like a virus.' That was a really good way of putting it."
Express sympathy and support. "Let them know you understand they are having a difficult time," suggests Nance Guilmartin, author of Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say ($20, www.amazon.com). "Or say, 'I don't know what you want to do now, but I want you to know that I support you.'" Offer to help with finding a new job when she's ready.
If a close work colleague is laid off, push aside your survivor's guilt and say something. "Almost everyone sought me out in person," says Claire, 28, a paralegal in San Francisco who was laid off last fall due to budget cuts. "People told me how much they appreciated working with me and offered to provide references." Mary was grateful when a coworker volunteered to pack up her office and return her laptop for her, which saved her from having to make a final appearance at the company.
WHAT NOT TO SAY:
Don't say, "It's not a reflection of your work," because your friend may be feeling too depressed to believe it.
Don't say, "It's all for the best," because at that moment, it isn't.
Avoid questions such as "What are you going to do now?" They place pressure on your friend to have an immediate plan.
Don't offer false optimism. "It pissed me off when people said, 'You're so talented — you won't have a hard time finding a job,'" says Claire. "The bottom line is that the job market is bad, and there's no guarantee I'll get a position somewhere else."
