Step 1: Determine what you really want.

Say you’re arguing with your sister about caring for your elderly parents. You feel as though you’re shouldering more than your fair share. In the heat of the moment, you can easily become angry and flustered, and that’s not the time to negotiate. Instead, stop, acknowledge that you want to work things out, and “suggest an alternate time for discussion,” says communication expert Rick Brinkman.

What’s most important is thinking about your ideal outcome — in this case, a more equitable distribution of responsibility. Writing down your feelings or talking through them with a friend may help give clarity to your thoughts, says mediator Elinor Robin.

What Could Trip You Up: Letting your emotions get the best of you. “When people get emotional, they become accusatory and start blaming,” says professor and author G. Richard Shell. Resist this by taking a deep breath and reminding yourself of your real goal. (Yelling at your sister, as satisfying as that may be, is — guaranteed — not it.)