What to say to someone who is suffering the loss of a loved one? Turns out, you may not have to say a thing. “What makes the biggest difference is just being there,” says Sarah Brabant, Ph.D., a grief educator in Lafayette, Louisiana, and a fellow in thanatology (the scientific study of death) certified by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, the professional organization of thanatologists. Here, a few talking points.

Don’t say the deceased is “in a better place.” This might be true in your belief system, but you shouldn’t assume the griever feels the same way. She may think there’s no better place for her loved one than by her side.

Don’t say, “You just need to keep busy.” This presumes that you know how to handle the loss of the loved one better than the mourner. She might be better off focusing her full attention on her feelings.

Don’t say, “I know what you’re going through.” Even if your mother and your friend’s mother died from the same disease, your relationships with them are individually sacred and distinct, so try not to say this or even suggest how your friend might cope.

Don’t say that a death is “a blessing in disguise.” If a friend’s father was suffering, you should never assume that she feels his death was welcome.

Do say, “I’m thinking of you.” And show your support by approaching the bereaved with your hands out. Many grieving people feel smothered by well-meaning huggers. This gives the person the option to shake hands.

Do say, “I’ll bring dinner for the next three Thursdays.” If you want to offer to help, make it concrete. Another thoughtful gesture is to make a donation in the name of the deceased to a charity he cared about and let the family know.