Apologizing Before Speaking

Why We Do It: Prefacing statements or questions with “Sorry” or “I’m so sorry, but” or even “This might be a silly question, but” shows others that we value their good opinion of us. We apologize because we’re trying to be in sync with the person we’re talking to and we’re afraid that whatever we say will disrupt that. We’re buying some conversation insurance in case what we say doesn’t go over well. “It’s a device to keep us blameless,” says Tannen. “If somebody doesn’t like what we have to say, we’re already removed from it.” Problem is, it can make you seem overly solicitous and insincere, even weak. (Sorry.)

How to Stop It: If you overapologize, try to subtly mirror the other speaker’s behavior. “Rather than trying to please people by qualifying your thoughts and questions,” says Tannen, “pay close attention to how they’re speaking, then focus on molding your conversation to theirs.” This might be as simple as matching speed and being aware of how close the other person likes to stand when talking. “When two people are using a similar talking style, they automatically feel connected,” Tannen explains. The conversation will flow more comfortably and you’ll feel more confident, so you won’t have to rely on the verbal crutch of distancing yourself from your own opinions. You can also substitute a softening phrase for the apology — something like “Personally, I see it this way” or “I believe that….” Says McGowan, “These devices still convey a tenor of agreement but without the cloyingness.” A final trick: Try to step slightly forward as you begin to speak. It’s harder to use timid words with strong, confident body language.