Your 13-year-old son is ignoring homework for Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4; your 15-year-old daughter wants to date a college freshman. Your immediate response is to wince — your first error, according to Michael Nichols, the author of Stop Arguing With Your Kids (Guilford, www.barnesandnoble.com $16). “That’s how a discussion about bedtime with a 10-year-old turns into a power struggle,” says Nichols. Instead of falling back on “Because I said so,” he suggests asking your child to explain her position. The best way to do this without getting defensive, says David Florh, a clinical psychologist in Falls Church, Virginia, is to take a step back — literally. “You can de-escalate the situation if you take a deep breath and create space between you and your child,” he says. After listening, express your thoughts and establish boundaries and limits in a collected, firm way. (One being that Tony Hawk isn’t invited on school nights.)