Saying No for the Sake of Your Time

Request: You are offered a promotion that you don’t want. Even though it means more money, it demands more hours and more of what your boss calls responsibility and you call tedium.

What You Should Say: “I’m flattered that you want me, but for personal reasons I’m not in a situation where I can take this on. Perhaps in a year from now things will be different. Can we talk again if my circumstances change?”

Why It Works: If you’re caught in this enviable dilemma, your boss will understand you have personal priorities that take precedence.

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty: By saying no to more time at the office, you’re saying yes to other things you cherish, be they long walks alone at sunset or evening time with your children.

How to Avoid the Situation in the Future: “If a position opens up at your workplace, you could let it be known that you are not in the running,” author Patti Breitman suggests. Being forthright saves your manager the trouble of pursuing a candidate who isn’t interested.

Request: You are asked to coordinate the bake sale — again — at your child’s school.

What You Should Say: “I know I’m going to disappoint you, but I’ve decided not to volunteer this year, because I fear I’ll end up feeling resentful. Is there any way to get some of the other parents to step up?”

Why It Works: Often people feel manipulated into doing something (“The ice cream social just won’t happen without your help!”). If you can address the problematic pattern of one person’s doing all the work, you sidestep the manipulation. And if you say no, it might force others (who never get asked) to say yes.

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty: “You’ve done your fair share, and now others can do this job,” says author Duke Robinson.

How to Avoid the Situation in the Future: “Encourage school leaders to present the problem to all the parents,” says Robinson. “If people know an important program may fail, they’ll usually remedy the situation.”

Request: You’re invited to a distant relative’s annual Lobster Luau — for the 14th year in a row.

What You Should Say: “I’ve really had fun in the past, but I can’t make it this year. That week is already packed for me.”

Why It Works: “You’ve explained it in a way that doesn’t sound like a personal rejection,” says Robinson. “And you’ve asked for understanding, based on your need to take stress out of your schedule. Everyone can identify with that.”

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty: You have only so much free time — and so much tolerance for flying lobster goo. “Don’t R.S.V.P. yes, then back out at the last minute or, worse, not show up at all,” say Izzo and Marsh. “That is the least decorous way of handling the invite.”

How to Avoid the Situation in the Future: In a note, thank the relative for thinking of you and explain that because you tend to be busy at this time of year, he should feel free to take you off his invitation list.

Request: Your boss asks you to supervise this season’s intern — last seen with her feet up on a desk, iPod on, Gameboy in hand.

What You Should Say: “Wow, that’s an interesting project. I’m really busy with the ABC assignment right now, so let me know if you want me to reprioritize.”

Why It Works: “Asking your boss to prioritize tasks for you means you don’t have to actually say the no word,” Breitman says. If she tells you to just squeeze the new task in, then do it. But keep a list of all the extra work you’ve done — for your next review.

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty: You really do have enough work to do as it is.

How to Avoid the Situation in the Future: If extra tasks keep getting dumped on your desk, ask your boss for a meeting. Explain that the added assignments are making it hard to do your primary job properly. Ask if she wants to review your job description (and renegotiate your salary while she’s at it).