I want to let a sick friend know I’m thinking about her without becoming a pest by checking in too often. How much attention is too much? And how much should I talk about my friend’s illness with her?

This is tricky. Some people suffering from illness want to control every detail — who visits at what time, what kind of casserole should be brought. Others would rather have those around them take charge of the decision making. “Ask the person, ‘Am I being too intrusive?’” says Susan Halpern, a social worker and psychotherapist and the author of The Etiquette of Illness (Bloomsbury, $12.50, www.amazon.com). “And always call before visiting.” If the person is married or lives with someone, ask the significant other what you can do. If you only want to drop off a batch of brownies or a lasagna to feed your friend’s visiting family, there’s no need to get permission. Just leave the food at the front door and call to say it’s there.
When you’re visiting a sick friend and you’re not sure whether she’d rather talk about her illness or the weather, try asking, “Is there anything you want to talk about?” This breaks through the awkwardness and lets her control the conversation, says Arnold Medvene, a staff psychologist specializing in illness-and-loss group therapy at the University of Maryland Counseling Center, in College Park.