What can you say when a friend announces he has an illness that may be terminal?

If the illness is serious but treatable, acknowledge how awful the situation is, but try to convey your sense of hope for medical help, suggests Arnold Medvene, a staff psychologist specializing in illness-and-loss group therapy at the University of Maryland Counseling Center, in College Park.

You don’t have to pull out the pom-poms — just stay optimistic about the treatment. If the illness is untreatable, though, such optimism isn’t appropriate. Try to “say what you’re feeling,” suggests Medvene. “But don’t forget to ask, ‘What is this like for you?’” While it’s OK to express sadness — or even to cry — you don’t want your friend to feel as if he has to comfort you in his time of need. “I find that you don’t have to say a lot,” advises Susan Halpern, a social worker and psychotherapist and the author of The Etiquette of Illness (Bloomsbury, $12.50, www.amazon.com). You might ask, “How can I be with you through this?” and then just listen.