It may take a village to raise a child, but reprimanding the same child calls for a much smaller staff. If stressed and guilt-ridden parents have a hard time disciplining their children, then bystanders have even more limited recourse. When you're tempted to intervene, first ask yourself, "Is this child really so irritating, or am I simply stressed to my limit?" In the latter case, you can distance yourself from the situation (and, say, the relentless noise emanating from a certain Sing-Along Suzy Karaoke doll). Still, consider a few scenarios where you might want to say something, and how to step in without bruising egos.

HALF-PINT HOME WRECKER
A friend arrives for a quick afternoon visit with her six-year-old son in tow. As you and she stand around talking, he stalks every room of your house, overturning trash cans and kicking at the recently reupholstered sofa as though it were a soccer ball. Then he finds a crayon and heads for your living-room wall.

Judith Martin, author of the Miss Manners books and columns, recommends something that borders on passive aggression: "You can be sympathetic and concerned for the child who's going around your house kicking your furniture, and you might say, 'That's a bad idea because you might get hurt.'" Joshua Sparrow, M.D., coauthor of Touchpoints Three to Six: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development, www.amazon.com recommends making a general — as opposed to personal — comment: "In our house, we don't do that" instead of "you're not allowed to do that." And, Sparrow says, for each no, there should be at least one yes. If kicking the couch is not allowed, offer an activity that is. For instance, "Can I play with your jewelry?" can be countered with "No, you can't, because it's precious to me. But here's some tinfoil for you to make your own jewelry."

AIRPLANE ANNOYANCE
You're bound for Orlando on a business trip, and 15 minutes after takeoff you feel a soft, persistent kick against your coach-class seat. The child sitting directly behind you is practicing her Rockette kicks.

Martin recommends, "You get up and say to the child, 'I'm trying to sleep. Do you want to switch seats for a while? Or do you think you could kick this seat instead of mine?' You say it in a good-natured, sympathetic way, and loud enough for the parent to hear."

DINNER-TABLE TRIAL
You're at a dinner gathering at a restaurant with other adults — and two children who refuse to simmer down. Patrons at nearby tables are looking over in disgust, but the kids' parents don't seem to notice.

"If you distract the child, he will usually stop whatever it is he's doing," Martin says. She also points out that restaurant dining should be a reward for a child if he can manage his manners. "The child wants to listen to your tactfully phrased instructions laced with privilege," she says. "Like, 'I'd love to take you out to eat. Do you know how to behave in a restaurant? Let me show you.'" At Serendipity 3, a New York City restaurant that attracts kids with its renowned frozen hot chocolate, maitre d' Angel Perez says, "We ask parents to impose rules on their kids, especially if they're too noisy. We have other customers, too." If you want to talk to the parents, Sparrow recommends approaching them and saying, "Does this feel OK to you? I know he's only five and he has a lot of energy and this is fun for him, but I worry that it's bothering other tables." What's most important, Sparrow says, is saying something positive to show you appreciate the child. Allowing that it's normal behavior — an antsy kid at the table — will keep the parents from becoming defensive. And then, once they acknowledge the problem, you can ask if you can help in any way.

BAD-NEWS BULLY
Your son and his new friend are having an after-school playdate that turns sour — due largely to the sand-throwing, name-calling, generally hectoring behavior of your little guest.

"Don't let them drag you into taking sides," Sparrow says. Instead, point out the problem and say, "I think you guys can work this out." If that doesn't work, let it drop that you might call the other child's parents. "Invoke the presence of the child's parents," Sparrow says, "and that usually works. But if you're going to say it, you have to be ready to (make the call)." Should you end up talking to the parents, it's important to own up to your own child's behavior: "I know she can be difficult; I know she can be impatient." That way, Sparrow says, you're showing the other parents that you can deal with your child's limitations, and that they should feel comfortable doing the same (instead of going on the defensive).