"Encourage her to talk about what happened and not blame herself," says Linda Fairstein, former chief of the Sex Crimes Prosecution Unit in the New York County District Attorney's office. "Make her aware that there are legal, medical, and psychological resources for victims. The National Center for Victims of Crime (800-394-2255, www.ncvc.org) is a great one."
If the crime just occurred, offer concrete help. "Say, 'Let me take you the hospital,'" says Fairstein. "Go with her to the police or doctor and hold her hand."
If you hear about the rape from a third party, bring it up to the victim gently but directly, suggests Boston psychologist Beth Gershuny: "Say, 'I heard what happened, and whatever you want to tell me, I want to hear.'"
WHAT NOT TO SAY:
Don't say you're sorry. "Many victims say they don't want people to feel sorry," says Fairstein. "They want strength and support and confirmation that they didn't do anything wrong."
"Don't try to find reasons for what happened or ask how it might have been prevented," says Gershuny. "That makes the person feel blamed."
After the initial shock, don't pretend nothing happened.
