Step 3: Engage your audience.

Consider the point of view of the person you’re asking. What would make life better for him? What is he out for? What is his opinion? If you don’t already know or can’t guess those things about a person, dig around and ask someone who does.

Then fashion your request as a means to bring his vision or desires or viewpoints to life. Make him feel right. When he feels that you “get it” about him, he’ll take down his listening barriers and start to hear you. And that’s the point when you slide in your request, almost as if he had asked for it. This technique never fails me.

Here are a couple of examples. Say your husband is set on going to yet another golf resort for your vacation. You would rather try something new, like white-water rafting. So you say, “Honey, I know that you want to make this vacation special and you don’t want to just lie on a beach and veg. And I couldn’t agree more.” This is the point where he starts to listen. “And that’s why I’ve done some research on great adventure vacations. Look — here’s an idea I think you’re going to love.” Now you pull out the brochure on white-water rafting.

And when the state trooper appears at your car window, you say, “You’re absolutely right, officer. I was speeding. And I’m disappointed with myself. I understand how important these speed limits are. If we all disobeyed them, we would have chaos, if not tragedy.” The trooper nods in agreement. “And I’ll never make this mistake again — that’s why I’m asking you not to give me a ticket.” Hey, it worked for my daughter Kate.