Step 2: Anticipate a positive response.

On the whole, we get what we expect from people. It’s true of our children, coworkers, bosses, and even the woman behind the makeup counter who doesn’t want to let us return that lipstick. If you approach your request with energy and optimism, if you exude what I call positive anticipation, you immeasurably increase your chances of getting a yes from anyone.

How do you positively anticipate something? Well, for starters, never apologize for asking. (It’s easy to fall into that habit. Catch yourself!) And be aware of your nonverbals: Your posture, your facial expression, and the tone of your voice speak volumes. Everything should give your listener the sense that you expect her to say yes.

An immensely talented woman I coach named Margaret always wore a scowl on her face when she had to ask for something, probably because she knew it was going to be hard work. The moment she walked into any room, she gave off an aura of pessimism and cynicism. Recently she was about to interview for a job that she wanted badly, and I pointed out her expression and its impact. “Do I really do that?” she asked.

“Yup, you do,” I said. “After I talk to you, I feel like I need to lie down.” OK, I was exaggerating a little bit, and luckily Margaret laughed, but she got the message.

Here’s what we worked on. Margaret decided to stop scowling and start smiling. She made herself assume that people are good and would recognize her for who she was and give her what she wanted. She decided to walk into her next interview with a “you guys are going to love me” attitude. And she practiced this optimistic approach. In the days prior to the all-important interview, she used her positive-anticipation technique on the deli guy, random cab drivers, and her daughter, who happily became her coach. By the time she hit the interview, she had perfected her new upbeat demeanor. And guess what? The energetic aura that she generated combined with the heft of her experience did the trick. She landed the job. And that’s not all. When Margaret called to tell me about it, she said, “You’re going to laugh, Gail, but this positive-anticipation thing has even landed me a new boyfriend.”

“I couldn’t be less surprised,” I said.

By the way, I also ask all my clients, from presidential candidates to stand-up comics, to repeat a certain mantra when they’re about to ask for something big, whether it’s votes, applause, or just plain approval. This phrase helps them calm their nerves and put on their best show. I adapted it from the late, great Dorothy Sarnoff, a dear friend and one of the best communications teachers in the country. It goes:

“I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad you’re here. I care about you. I’m in control.”

Trust me. It works.