“Well, did you see anybody you liked better than yourself?” My grandmother chuckled as she asked me that question when I had just returned from a party. “Yeah, I did,” I replied in my serious, 12-year-old way. “Margaret’s smarter, Ina’s prettier, and Suzy’s taller.”

We start young, don’t we? Comparing ourselves with someone else at every turn and, more often than not, feeling as if we come up short. I found out years later that my grandmother’s question was an old Irish expression, meant as a joke. But even now, when I come home from a party, I could answer it the same way: “Sure, I saw plenty of people I liked better.” At the holidays, especially, comparison traps are everywhere, giving us endless opportunities to make ourselves feel inadequate and miserable. Whose food is better? Whose tree is better? Who throws better parties (and looks better at them)? I’m sure you can come up with more holiday comparisons that drive you crazy.

As for me, well, there are four major traps I’ve fallen into pretty much every year for the past few decades. (Actually, there are more, but we have only so much space here!) These are situations in which I’ve inevitably compared myself with other women and come up woefully lacking. But lately I’ve been thinking, Do I really want to be uptight and miserable, feel inadequate, and make everyone around me wish the holidays were over? Do any of us? After all, this truly is the season to be jolly. It’s a season to be defined not by perfectionism, but by delight. So this year I’ve come up with a couple of tools to get me through the holidays without falling into those traps. (We’ll get to my traps, I promise. But first I want to show you the tools.) They’re pretty simple. Maybe they’ll work for you, too.