“People who have been through a natural disaster often expect too much of themselves,” says psychologist Alexander Levy. “They think their normal coping mechanisms will get them through, but those don’t even apply. So it can take months to feel better.”

What Not to Do: Offering a displaced friend a place to stay is the first line of action, but Levy cautions people to consider their limitations. “It’s a serious intrusion,” he says. “If you overextend, you wind up getting mad at the person in need, and everyone is unhappy.” And don’t clean out your closets without checking to see what’s actually needed. Your friend may have lost everything, but receiving twin-size sheets for a queen-size bed isn’t helpful. Also, reserve your opinions as to how victims should rebuild their lives. “The process is so personal,” says Sherry McFadden, who was displaced by Hurricane Katrina and is now temporarily living with her husband in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, while their house in New Orleans is being renovated. “Some people are rebuilding, others are moving, and everyone has a reason for it. Just listen.”

What to Do: Whatever you can. “My daughter flew down from New York to help me salvage all my antiques,” which was both helpful and therapeutic, McFadden says. But even just reaching out is appreciated. “When we were finally let back into our homes to survey the damage, I noticed my neighbor dragging all her furniture to the curb,” says McFadden. “She lost absolutely everything, including the family photo albums. There was nothing I could say to make her feel better, so I simply went over and said, ‘I just wanted to give you a hug.’”