Losing a job is like breaking up with a long-term boyfriend, says Carole Martin, a career consultant in San Francisco and the founder of InterviewCoach.com. “It feels like a serious rejection,” she says, and being told that you’re “no longer needed” is a huge blow.

What Not to Do: “Friends who called to say ‘So what are you doing today? Have you heard back from those people?’ added to my stress,” says Rhetta Rowland, who lost her job as a senior product-marketing manager in 2001. “It’s like they were checking my to-do list.” Worse, she says, were those who asked, “How will you pay your rent?” “I was in such financial fear already,” Rowland says. “This just fueled it.”

What to Do: “Start by asking, ‘How are you feeling?’” Martin says. “Some days people feel insecure and paranoid. Other days they feel confident and hopeful. Let them lead the conversation.” One friend in particular, Rowland says, “would listen to me complain and then say in the kindest way, ‘OK, enough pity party for today!’ She allowed me to be anxious but reminded me to move forward.” Rowland also loved it when friends made thoughtful connections. “One met someone at a cocktail party who worked in marketing,” Rowland recalls. “She mentioned me to him, then called me the next day with his number.” Martin says this kind of networking is the best way to help a friend who’s looking for work. “Your friends are a huge resource,” she says. “They have friends who have friends.”