After the death of a loved one, “people feel empty and lost,” says Bev Swanson, a pastoral counselor in Camrose, Alberta, who offers grief support on the website CopeWithGrieving.com. “And each person goes through this process in her own way.”

What Not to Do: Renée Bronson, who lost her 15-year-old daughter, Lindsey, in a car accident in 1998 in Saint Cloud, Florida, barely remembers the funeral. She does remember being somewhat overwhelmed by the large amount of food and flowers coming all at once. “People meant so well,” she says. “But the last thing I wanted to do was eat, and we felt terrible throwing anything out.”

What to Do: “The best way to be a friend,” Swanson says, “is to allow her to feel what she feels — anger, guilt, remorse — as she feels it.” Bronson says friends pulled her through the darkest days of her life. “Julie came over in the middle of the night when she heard the news, and Carolyn covered for me at work,” she says. “Cheryl dealt with the funeral director, and Cyndi, my sister, handled the burial plot and tombstone.” And then there were those friends who just showed up. “They didn’t talk about the weather or politics,” she says. “They were there for me.” Other friends simply continued to remember both Lindsey and Bronson’s loss. “Every year I get a phone call or a card from a friend on the anniversary of Lindsey’s death,” Bronson says. “It makes me feel good that just because Lindsey is not physically present, she still lives on in our hearts and memories.”