When a loved one is sick, the caretakers’ needs and feelings are often overlooked. “A family’s life gets turned upside down,” says psychologist Raymond Crowel. “And the caretakers can become overwhelmed by their responsibilities. As a result, they can get angry and frustrated and depressed.”

What Not to Do: Last February, Susanne Sanchez spent six days in a Miami hospital while Ben, one of her three-year-old triplets, underwent brain surgery for acute headaches. Several friends unintentionally fueled her anxiety. “One called and asked, ‘Are you sure you found the best surgeon?’” Sanchez says. “I was already a nervous wreck. That made it worse.” And while she knew that friends who said “If there’s anything I can do, let me know” meant well, she says, “it was so vague. I wanted to say, ‘Can you take the boys for the weekend?’ but was afraid of asking too much.” Another comment that irked her was “I don’t know how you do it,” which to her sounded a bit like “I’m so glad I’m not in that position.” She says, “I’d reply tersely, ‘I have no other choice.’”

What to Do: The most helpful friends offered specific things. “My neighbor called to say she could babysit for two hours one afternoon,” Sanchez says. “I knew she really meant it.” One friend called from the grocery store and said, “Open your fridge and tell me what you need,” while another called to say she was dropping off a dish of lasagna for dinner. “The friends who focused on the boring day-to-day necessities were the best,” Sanchez says. In the case of Analiese Paik of Fairfield, Connecticut, whose husband, Sungkey, suffered a recurrence of liver cancer in 2001, one neighbor helped save his life. “Sharon had worked at an oncologist’s office and insisted we see him for a second opinion. He told my husband to get on as many transplant lists as possible,” Paik recalls. Paik’s sister-in-law researched the best transplant centers and narrowed them down to the top three. Sungkey was accepted at the Mayo Clinic in Florida, where he had a successful transplant in 2002. And friends simply let Paik vent. “I felt so underappreciated,” she says. “To be able to say ‘I’m angry, too!’ and not be judged saved me.”