My in-laws make comments about the way my husband and I spend our money. How can we stop their unsolicited advice?
Although it’s undeniably annoying, nagging can be a sign of sincere concern, Godfrey says. So the next time your in-laws offer you and your husband unasked-for advice, view it as a chance to talk with them about your choices and assure them of your financial stability. “Because he’s their son, let your husband do most of the talking,” Godfrey says. “You can sit there repeating to yourself, ‘I love my husband, and he has parents,’” she adds. If you can help your in-laws gain a better grasp of where you’re coming from, they’ll have less cause for worry, Roger Merrill says.
If that doesn’t work, follow the advice of Elizabeth Warren, coauthor (with her daughter, Amelie Tyagi) of
All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan (Simon & Schuster, $17,
www.amazon.com): “Be vague about what you have done and even more vague about what you will do. Whether you let them bother you is a matter of attitude.”
One of my sons is a doctor and the other is a teacher. How can I help the one who is making less money without upsetting the other?
“Money shouldn’t be confused with love or preference,” says David deBoer, a clinical psychologist in Chicago. But because it often is, Godfrey suggests that you first have a conversation with the doctor. “Make sure he knows how much you love him and how proud you are of him,” she says. “Then explain why you want to help his brother.” You might be surprised by his reaction, says Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist and a coauthor of
The Power of Two Workbook (New Harbinger, $14,
www.amazon.com): “The more affluent one may be relieved to know you’re helping his brother.” Consider, too, ways that you can support the doctor. For example, he may not have money trouble but could be in need of babysitting. “The gifts don’t have to be financially equitable,” says Dale Atkins, a psychologist and the author of
I’m OK, You’re My Parents (Henry Holt, $17,
www.amazon.com).
My elderly parents can be really gullible, and I’m afraid someone could take advantage of them. What can I do to help them out with their finances?
The one thing you absolutely want to avoid is telling them, “I’m here to take charge,” Warren says. “Control of one’s money represents autonomy for older adults, just as it did for you when you were breaking out on your own,” adds deBoer. So ease gently into any discussion about money. “An article about how an older person was cheated can be a good way to start a conversation,” Warren says. For a more direct yet still sensitive approach, Ginita Wall, director of the nonprofit group Women’s Institute for Financial Education, suggests that you sit down with your parents and say, “One of you may be on your own someday. How can I help you manage your money and prepare for when that happens?”
Some other ways you can assist your parents without upsetting them: Offer to balance their checkbook, take care of paying their bills, or read the fine print on any investments they plan to make, Wall says.
