You may have heard something like this dreaded voice-mail message before: “Hi, Mary. It’s brother-in-law Bill. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind doing me a favor. My boss’s daughter is a candidate for membership at your country club, and I was hoping you could write her a recommendation.” Your heart sinks. You’ve never met Bill’s boss, let alone his daughter. And you don’t feel comfortable recommending someone you don’t know. But you love Bill, and you don’t want to let him down.

Whether it’s for your alma mater, your workplace, or your weekend golf club, there are a few options for handling the request, says Letitia Baldrige, author of Letitia Baldrige’s New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette (Scribner, $35, www.barnesandnoble.com).

Politely decline. Baldrige suggests saying something like “Since I’ve written so many of these letters in the last year, the head of the membership committee has requested that I take a break for a year or two.” No hurt feelings and only a little white lie.

Write the letter, carefully choosing your words. “If you write a letter that is so noncommittal,” says Baldrige, “the membership committee will immediately read between the lines.” Let brother-in-law Bill know you’ve written it, but don’t send him a copy.

The bottom line is you can choose to write the letter (or pass on the résumé or make the phone call) or not, but to completely ignore the request would make you the boor. And as a current member in good standing of the Very, Very Fancy Country Club, you aim to conduct yourself as a paragon of good manners.