Etiquette Questions, Answered: Weddings

Is it Alright to Ask to Bring My Partner to a Wedding?

Q. I am a gay man who is in a committed relationship, and I recently received a wedding invitation from a former co-worker that was addressed to me alone. I wasn’t surprised; the groom is unaware of my orientation and that I have a partner. Should I contact him and explain the situation or just attend the ceremony by myself?
Name withheld by request

A. Normally, I wouldn’t advocate that you ask to bring an extra guest to a wedding. However, this is a special case, because your former colleague didn’t know that your partner existed. If he had, he should have extended the invitation; the partners of gays and lesbians ought to be given the same courtesies as heterosexual spouses.

Plus, by sending you an invitation, your old colleague has welcomed you into his personal life. That’s a compliment. Return the favor. Phone and say, “Since you were so kind as to include me in your day, I’d like to let you know that I have a longtime partner, and if it’s financially feasible, we would both love to come.”

In all likelihood, the groom will say it’s fine. But keep in mind that he could decline your request for totally justifiable reasons. He may have budget limitations, or the couple may simply want to be surrounded by people whom they already know. In that case, you’ll need to decide whether or not to attend the wedding solo.

—Michelle Slatalla