Etiquette Questions, Answered: Tricky Conversations
My Friend Complains All the Time but Never Takes My Advice. What Should I Do?
Q. For the past year, my friend has been complaining again and again to me about the same issue. She has never heeded any of my advice, leading me to feel drained whenever she brings up the topic. How should I respond the next time she starts griping?
Becca Brinkley
Riverside, California
A. Your friend is not really looking for your advice. She has a chronic problem that she can’t help talking about. But for some
reason she doesn’t feel capable of taking constructive steps to rectify the situation. That’s why she hasn’t acted on your
suggestions.
After patiently listening to her vent and offering solutions for a year, you have more than fulfilled the duty of friendship.
It’s time for your pal to get assistance from someone else—ideally, a therapist or a counselor. So the next time she brings
up the subject, gently say, “You know I care about you. But I don’t think my suggestions on this topic have been helpful for
you. Instead of covering the same ground again, let’s brainstorm: Is there anyone you could speak to who might have better
ideas for solving this predicament?”
―Michelle Slatalla
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