Beloved Paisley Arm Chair Dead at Age 36

We’re sad to say it won’t be missed.

old-paisley-chair
Photo by Chair: Mandj98/Getty Images; Frame: Daniel Grill

Overstuffed Earth-Toned Paisley Chair, which spent its early years accumulating whiskey sour stains in a house in Granite Bay, California, and smelled faintly of mildew, died recently at its home in Nevada City, California. It resided with two guys who were best friends in high school, are still roommates nearing age 40, and got the chair from some guy.

Cause of death was disposal at the hands of owner’s disgusted girlfriend, Sarah Miller, 47, and her friend, Jessica Anderson, 32, who hauled it onto the lawn the day after the presidential election, muttering, “Can you believe two grown men with full-time jobs still have this piece of crap in their house?”

Overstuffed Earth-Toned Paisley Chair was 36.

Death was confirmed by everyone in the quaint Sierra Foothill village who pays attention to the stop signs at the corner of Searls Avenue and Valley Street and who would have noticed a chair by the side of the road, which is to say no one.

Overstuffed Earth-Toned Paisley Chair was born in 1980 in Greensboro, North Carolina. It belonged to a dying generation of chairs that were neither midcentury modern nor West Elm/Ikea midcentury knockoffs. “These are essentially Dad chairs from an era in which Dad sat down instead of leaning over the kitchen island, glowering into his phone,” said Therese Aird, associate dean of Seating Studies at Furniture University.

Edward Mackie, 76, the chair’s first owner, spoke on the phone from the gracious colonial in Granite Bay where the chair spent the bulk (pun intended) of its life. “It was such a cozy accompaniment to our more formal den sofa,” said Mackie. While trying to recall why he and husband Don Xavier, 82, decided to dispose of the chair, he was interrupted by a male voice in the background shouting, “Because it was hideous!”

There were a few years—2005 to 2010—during which no one can account for Overstuffed Earth-Toned Paisley Chair’s whereabouts. Longtime pal (and onetime girlfriend) Decorative Mohair Throw guesses that wherever it was, people were plopping down on it, depositing new food stains on top of the old food stains and adding to the contents of its crevices. “I hope for its sake that someone was also watching China Beach,” said Decorative Mohair Throw. “That was its favorite show.”

Tor Erickson, 37, Miller’s boyfriend, said he wasn’t exactly shocked to learn about the death of Overstuffed Earth-Toned Paisley Chair. “My girlfriend kind of does what she wants,” he whispered. On the other hand, Erickson's roommate, Micah Pierce, 38, has not adjusted well to the loss of the chair. When reached for comment, he said, “Great. Does Sarah know that now we have to go out and get another chair? Did someone tell her that could take, like, a whole hour?”

Visiting hours are around the clock on the sidewalk outside the chair’s former home and will continue indefinitely.